Men Using Single Ladies As Sex Toys  

You have been in a relationship for long and you seem to be enjoying every bit of your relationship with him. He has taken you round the world and made you forget every other guy. To you, this guy is God-sent and the best any lady could ever ask for. He makes you feel wanted and appreciated when you are alone with him, but in the midst of all these, something keeps telling you he is not in for anything deeper or like my friend put it ,”he did not propose for marriage, but for dating”.

I was angry, but at the same time couldn’t help laughing the day I was listening to Dan Foster’s Redbook show on Inspiration FM. A guy called in for music to be played for his fiancé of eight years. Dan Foster asked severally to be sure he said fiancé. What on earth could make a lady stay in a dating relationship with a man for eight years? You have ignorantly become Mrs XYZ even when you have no place in his future. You even have your picture on the wall of his house (like I saw last week, asked, and was told she did it herself),parade yourself as the owner of the house, but the truth is that he is just keeping you for his sexual satisfaction.

The moment he is ready for marriage, you will know that even with your presence all these years, he has been searching for the right person. I was shocked when I asked the guy to go ahead and marry the lady whose picture is on the wall; he laughed and said: “Amara, na so you hate me reach?” She is just my girlfriend, but certainly not my wife.

The earlier you pack your things and leave his house, the better for you. I remember advising one time UNILAG student to quit being a live-in-lover of five years. It was very difficult for her the first week until she finally made up her mind to listen to me. I told her that her leaving will cause her to know if truly the man loves her. Just one month after she left, he proposed and as I write this, they both live in the Uk.

Please find below some of the things that will help you determine his level of seriousness.Dont forget there are guys who are too smart that they are not guilty of any of the offences, yet they are not interested in a life relationship with you.

•His Ex is still in the picture

Nothing makes someone forget a past relationship like the entrance into a new, fulfilling one. But we seem not to understand this in the world of today. How many times have you seen him visit his ex? Are you aware he calls her even in your absence? You probably don’t know this because they still talk while at work or midnight while you are fast asleep.

The truth is that when someone is in a relationship with you and still enjoys talking with or about his/her ex, you better shine your eyes my dear. Guys sometimes talk about their ex as a way of telling you she is better. Some guys even go to the extent of telling their wife or girlfriend to dress like their ex and you find them making references to her kind of underwears, shoes, even cooking. I know there are times we find ourselves talking about our past relationships as a way of letting out, but girl, it is not acceptable if your relationship must move on.

Some girls are naive to the point of their man getting them to speak with their ex. They attended your wedding quite alright and your man has made you believe she is now married (even when she is not). I had an experience when, after my wedding, an ex sent a wedding card with a note inside. They believed I saw just the card, but not the letter. The note inside reads;…you are married and I am happy for you, but the relationship can still go on…Months later, without knowing she was the one, I started entertaining her as a family friend without knowing that the man who pretends to be her husband was actually her younger brother. My dear ladies, things are happening and you’ve got to be wiser.

•He prefers texting to calling

You cannot tell me you are in love with someone without you having the desire for her/him. A guy who is just playing games with you does not call on a daily basis. He comes with the excuse that he is not always free to call because of work and makes you believe his text messages are there to prove his love for you. But the truth is that he does not love you. I don’t care where he resides or the demanding nature of his job, when a man is truly in love with you, nothing takes his eyes off you. Hmmmm, you don’t agree with Amara on this; no problem, time shall tell.

•Does not introduce you to friends and family

I have seen girls being deceived by men to the point that they agree to keep the relationship secret. If that relationship is going to be kept secret, there is something wrong about it. A man who is genuinely in love with you will flaunt you before friends and family. When next he tells you to avoid talking about it, please use your tongue to count your teeth because there is something wrong somewhere. Because of wickedness of men, some have genuine reasons for keeping their relationships secret, but I can tell you that majority of those good reasons are lies.

Why go on with a man who is not bold enough to hang out with you? There are others who will never let you visit their house. They keep coming to your house and taking you out from there, but you don’t know where they live. Be careful because your heart is about being broken into pieces; save yourself the stress of endless night vigils. If he really loves and appreciates you, his secretary, mum, siblings, friends, colleagues, will all know you are the one.

•Avoids Public Display of Affection (PDA)

I laugh when I see these things. Men go out with their girlfriends and act very formal with them. Some will even tell you before you leave home that you just have to keep it formal out there because of friends, mum, and pastor. If he is still afraid of giving you a kiss/peck in the presence of mum, then he is not man enough to have you; run away from the mama’s boy.

If he is honest with you and there is nothing wrong somewhere, he will always feel like a baby around you. Some use religion to cover up; they tell you not to allow pastor to see you get a peck from him and he shouldn’t also see you holding hands with each other. My question is; is there anything wrong with two people in love giving and receiving pecks or holding hands together in public? It is time you became free from that doctrinal bondage and accept the truth. Holding hands and ordinary peck will not lead you to hell; just be careful not to get carried away.

•No mentions of future plans

Does he bring you in when it comes to discussions that are to do with his future? If he is really interested in you, he will bring you in when it is time to paint his new apartment to know what you like. He will be interested in your future and vision. Infact, he shows you in everything he does that you are a part of his future.

•Lack of Kindness

I have continually said it; love gives. Don’t allow them deceive you by their constant complaining of the materialistic nature of Nigerian ladies. If he loves you and is genuinely interested in you, he won’t stay away or embark on an emergency trip when it is time for house rent. I have even noticed that men who are in love don’t wait for the woman to ask; they go ahead and give even before she asks, and they take your burden from off your shoulder. There is nothing like being tight fisted when he is in love. A man who is in love with you will let you have his ATM pin number because he trusts you. The problem is that we have players instead of lovers. We still have them out there, but just a few. Keep praying and asking God for such a man; He will send him your way.

•No interest in people you love

If he loves you, he loves everything about you. A man will love and whole-heartedly accept your relations and children if any. Something happened recently; after reading one of my articles, a guy called me out of pain when he found out that the woman he wanted to marry has a child.

Trust Nigerians; friends tried to talk him out of it, but thank God he called me. I advised him to overlook the issue of single motherhood and go ahead with her if truly he is in love with her. Just yesterday, I got a text message from the guy thanking me for the emotional support. To the glory of God, they got married on the 13 May 2011. I pity women who are ready to ignore their children all in the name of love. If you don’t love my children, please keep your love to yourself.

Ladies, I decided to do this because daily I see women being misled by men. Nigerian men, especially my Igbo brothers, are known for loving with conditions. It is time we stopped pretending to be what we are not and turning ourselves to Nollywood actresses just because we want a man to accept us.

Girlfriend, you don’t need to become what you are not and put yourself under unnecessary pressure for him to propose. If he loves you, he will stick with you unconditionally. Your size, height, educational qualification, number of children, family status, have nothing to do with it. I have seen it happen and I know you can experience that unconditional love if you will refuse to lower your standards out of desperation for a man.