16th July, 2010
Have you ever experienced delayed marriage? Gone are the days we used to think it was a womanâ€
Tell me, why have we been laughing at the women folk as the only victims? Anywhere you enter, people ridicule single women who are of age but not married, while every move a woman makes is misinterpreted for seduction and attention seeking, why now? Meanwhile, guys spin and wink to lure women even when bashed.
It is good to marry, but when there is a delay, I am of the opinion that life should go on as it were and donâ€
The courage to bear your ‘crossâ€
As it were, marriage is one word that causes so much concern to this generation; it is either you hear people lament it is not forth coming or when it finally comes, the problems that roll with it seem to overwhelm its merits, but despite all these, singles still desire this ‘divine unionâ€
The point is not trying to find out if they are happy or not, but to salute their courage to move on with life as if all was well. Indeed, this article is coming from this direction—trying its bit to cheer the gloomy faces and actually say life is big and deep, there are a whole lot of things you can do with your life.
I have had the opportunity of speaking with a couple of persons who have tasted, fought and overcome delayed marriage.
One of them said “Iâ€
“When it was time for me to enter the university, my parents decided it was either I went abroad or nothing. It was not my first time of travelling abroad, so to say I was excited was blackmail, but knowing the kind of parents I had, argument would only aggravate dadâ€
“As everything went dead and people retired to rest, mom called me for a private talk and with little or no idea of what she had in mind for me, I sat by her side. To my surprise, mom had nothing to say about my academics, instead, she said I should be careful not to wine and dine with the poor. Before I could even ask why, she added that I should not also date a foreigner as I had no business staying back in that country after my education. She made it clear to me that my father wanted me to study abroad, come back to Naija and show the people he has a successful child.
“Baffled by what mother said, I imagined how I was going to sample guys to finally get one that belonged to my class and will be accepted by my parents. Getting to the UK, the respect I had for my mom made it difficult for me to respond to advances by foreigners, no matter the crush I felt for them. To know my parents well is to say that disobedience was never tolerated under their roof.
“For a whole year, I stayed without a date and this helped me in a way to settle down academically, but after a while, the female friends I made over there made me feel out of place. I tried to explain to them it was in no way my fault as I got no one that matched my desire.
“Moved by pity, Bose, my room mate, played a fast one and linked me with a traditional rulerâ€
“As I laid on my bed brooding over the separation, I wondered, did mom forget to tell me it was difficult to find both love and riches in one pack? Perhaps her own time was different, how could she ever dream that guys who were born with mega silver spoon in their mouth would know the rudiments of love and respect for a woman? Have they tasted sacrifice? Do they know about endurance? Can they be patient with peopleâ€
Indeed, finding true love became a serious problem for me as friends who could not cope with my ‘selectiveâ€
“Coming back to the country was not in any way a relief to my emotion as I was still unable to secure a relationship for myself. Friends and acquaintances I left behind thought my promise to come back were a mere sham, while some were engaged and others had already become parents. Being a little more advanced in age then put me in a position of defence. I viewed everyone with suspicion, thinking they have come to take advantage of me and before I could say ‘Jack,â€
“I summed up courage to ask my mom why she adopted the approach of “match your class†to my relationship and really did not have any concrete reason to give, but kept repeating “all these, I did for your own goodâ€.
“As I rehearsed the pains that flew from my motherâ€
“Immediately, plans to take over dadâ€
“Without pretence, life really got interesting and challenging, but not tough. My belief in what I could do made me develop a positive attitude toward the challenges that confronted me. Very soon, I discovered life could go on fine without complaining about what you donâ€
“Anyway, I am still open and if it comes fine, but if not, my life must go on well.â€
A word for parents:
•Your life is different from those of your childrenâ€
•When it comes to sensitive issues, try to advise and not command/recommend. A mature mind should be able to take decisions without blaming others for their influence.
•Allow your children to take steps they can defend.
•Every parent would love to control his/her child, but please set them free.
A word for singles:
•Donâ€
•Have a concrete plan for your life so you would not be tossed about by peopleâ€
•Take responsibility for your life.
•Make up your mind to succeed.
•Even if you have made mistakes, shake it off and face your life again.