13th August, 2010
If you are a married woman in Nigeria, this is no threat, but just be wary of unmarried ladies around your husband, because they may end up luring him into extra-marital affairs.
In â€˜You Know Itâ€™ a recent hit song by Goldie, a female hip hop artiste, who featured eLDee, the lady threatened in the song that she could snatch someoneâ€™s husband. This is real as several unmarried women in the country have told P.M.NEWS that they had at one time or the other dated married men.
Some said they were still dating married men.
Dating married men is seen by many as abominable, yet even most of them who do not like the idea still find themselves in the act.
However, while most of those still in such affairs said they felt guilty but could not help the situation, others said they were in it to enjoy themselves. Yet they all confessed that they hoped to get married someday and that they would ensure their husbands do not have extra marital affairs.
Apart from the abundant care they confess that they get from the men, they also said that most married men were more confident and reliable than the average unmarried man.
â€œFor example,â€ stressed Abigail, who has a provision shop in Alausa, Ikeja, Lagos, â€œthe married men know they are not going to marry you, but they spoil you with love and material gifts that you would not think of settling down easily.
â€œThis business was opened for me by a deacon in my church. He is the leader of my group in the church and that was where the affairs started over two years ago.â€
She confirmed she knew the manâ€™s wife and that the woman had never had cause to suspect her. â€œShe even discusses her marital life with me because she wants me to be experienced before getting married.â€
Asked if she was happy with the relationship, she said no, but maintained that she has remained in it because she has not found the right person to marry her.
Twenty-eight year old Iyabo, an Ogun State-born Marketing Executive Officer, with a new generation bank in Lagos, Nigeria, told P.M.NEWS that between 2006 when she started working and now, she has dated over 10 married men.
According to her, while growing up, she never thought she would find herself in this â€œkind of life.â€
She also said that immediately she started working in the bank, her boyfriend left her. â€œHe told me that since I am now a bank employee, there was no way I could be faithful to him.
â€œI tried severally to convince him to stay in the relationship but he refused and I had to start afresh.â€
She also said that she decided to date married men when she discovered that other young men who came her way were not actually in love but because they thought she was financially buoyant and could assist them.
â€œThe target given me by the bank did not also help matters,â€ she said, adding that it has now become difficult to do away with these men. This, according to her, was because they were more reliable and would treatÂ ladies like their own children.
She, however, lamented that she sometimes regret her action, â€œespecially moments I feel very lonely.â€
Ginika (surname withheld), another respondent, said though she has two boyfriends, she was still in a relationship with a married man and father of three.
The 26 year-old, who runs a commercial call centre, explained that she fell in love with the man out of sympathy.
Her story: â€œMy manâ€™s wife is not actually in Lagos with him. So he was always coming here to call the family and he would talk about loneliness.
â€œI one day volunteered to help him with the house chores, but I ended up sleeping in his house till the following day and since then, the friendship has taken another turn.â€
Asked if she does not think of getting married, she said she had a fiance, who works in Ibadan and visits once every two weeks.
Some of the ladies are not comfortable with their affairs with married men. One of such ladies wrote on a social network site: â€œI have tried umpteen times to break it off and, of course, I rightfully get no sympathy from friends. There are a number of reasons why itâ€™s a hopeless situation.
â€œFirstly, itâ€™s not very satisfying for me. I am always second best, waiting around for crumbs. Then thereâ€™s all the guilt. I have no illusion that the guy will leave his wife as I know he loves her and Iâ€™m just his â€˜bit on the sideâ€™ so I feel Iâ€™m wasting my time when I could be meeting someone for myself. For all this I find I canâ€™t actually bring myself to make the break. Whatâ€™s wrong with me?â€
A married woman, who craved anonymity, also told P.M.NEWS that she almost lost her husband when they were still dating because he caught her with a married man.
â€œI was rough as a young lady then. I wanted to be among the big girls in the area I was living, so my choice was the married men who had the money to spend.
â€œBut the day my husband caught me in the arms of one of them, my life changed. I thought I had lost him and almost killed myself. But he forgave me and today, we are married with two kids.â€
Ngonengo Patra Kwash, a Sociologist, who said while she was 20, she dated a man almost 25 years her senior, added that she was not in it for money.
According to the woman, who was on a national television programme recently, most ladies are into such relationships because young men are too scared to approach them.
She used herself as example saying, though she knew she was stealing from the manâ€™s original wife, she could not help the situation. She added that she was sometimes troubled by her conscience.
Some ladies who spoke on the issue also blamed the social network sites on the internet for the increase in such affairs.
Maria Kanu, who said she met a man on one of the network sites, said she had fallen in love with him but quickly changed her mind after receiving life-threatening text messages from his wife.
â€œI almost slept with him,â€ she said.
Asked what lured her to him, she said the man was mature in his reactions and comments on relationships on the site.
In reaction to this, some Nigerians said there were grave consequences associated with dating married men.
Mrs. Onifade, who rained curses on ladies who are into the act, added that â€œsuch girls always have problems when they eventually get married.
Nike Ogunbayo said, â€œI believe in the law of karma. What goes around comes around. The men only use these girls to satisfy their sexual desire and they give the ladies money afterwards. The world is a small place and who knows, anything can happen.â€
Shade Oladimeji said: â€œWell, I have a couple of friends that are dating married men presently and they also have boyfriends.Â They take their boyfriends seriously because they know the married men can never marry them. They are just there for sex and money.â€
Lukman Sodiq says he would end the relationship the day he finds his â€œwoman is doing such a thing. A woman that will do that when she is not married will do it when she is married.â€
â€”Eromosele Ebhomele & Rukayat Igbanor