17th September, 2010
No matter how much we try to overlook this issue the truth is that it is one that has bothered us so much and has caused so many problems in our homes. The African culture is one that allows a man to have so many children thereby the issue of step children for the woman. This has left us with the belief that it is only the man who is free to have children from different women.
A woman may find herself in a second marriage due to divorce or death of her spouse. I have male friends who are not interested in getting married to a woman who has never been married. To these ones, experience is all they want in a woman. I have also seen men fall head-over-heels in love with a woman with so many children. I recently witnessed a wedding where a man settled for a woman with three children. Life is about choice.
Women sometimes find themselves mothers without getting married. I know there are some ladies who are wayward, but I have come to realise that it is the ones who are not experienced in the game that are taken unawares. Men have dumped girls just because they became pregnant in the course of their relationship. Why would you even sleep with a woman when you don’t want responsibility and commitment? I have also seen some cases where a man dumps a woman even after marriage simply because he is carried away. Some readers had at one time or the other sent me texts asking for my advice on their decision not to get married to the mother of their child. Women being what we are, find it difficult to trade the child for anything.
As a man, you must have come across women in this category. I know our culture, especially the Igbo culture, frown at a man getting married to a woman with children. But times have changed and our men no longer mind getting married to such women as long as they love them and have found them good for marriage. When a man takes this decision, he becomes a step father.
It is always tough getting children to accept a step father as they see him as a threat and someone competing with them for their mother’s love.Remember, nothing can ever take the place of a mother’s love. They may also see you as someone coming to cause their mother pain.
The children will try you in so many ways to know how honest and genuine you are. Even when you are honest, they may not accept you immediately. You must go out of your way to win their heart as well as their mothers. So many Nigerian men miss it when it comes to relationship with a single mother. Some of them feel they love the woman and that’s all that matters. I want you to know that it is only a bad and irresponsible mother who can go into a relationship with you when she knows the children are not happy with you.
I often advise men to first try and become friends with the children before proposing to the woman. There is a point you will get to in your relationship with the children that you don’t have to talk too much to win their mother. At this stage, they will be there to persuade their mother to accept you.
You can never say you love a woman without loving and accepting her past as well as present, her children inclusive. Like I told the women on Tuesday, the moment you accept to marry a single mother, begin to see yourself as a father to her children.
I know at this stage there will be some kind of resistance when you try to bring in discipline. I know they will sometimes remind you that you are not their father or do things to pass that message to you. But not to worry, go on loving them, it’s just a trial period for you and remember it’s worth it for the woman you love. Men, unlike women handle the issue of step parenting better. All it takes is for a man to be in love with a woman and things fall into place.
But there is this particular problem that bothers me so much when it comes to men and step parenting. I always advise single mothers to be very careful in their choice of a husband. As a single mother, your children’s future and happiness must be put into consideration before you make up your mind for that man.
Some men lack self control. We see men sexually abuse their own daughters and sisters. This is why I tell women to first check out the spirit of that man before saying yes. So many step daughters are sleeping with their step fathers.
In the course of my seminars, I had the opportunity of meeting a very beautiful young girl in the university who ran away from home. According to this girl, her step father has never stopped harassing her ever since they moved into his house. It got to the point that the man entered her room every night to sleep with her. A day came that she fell for him and had sex with him.
This girl could not live with the guilt of sleeping with her own step father. She told me how she went for days without food and couldn’t look at her mother’s face because she betrayed her trust and couldn’t live with the understanding that she tried to ruin her happiness after all her years of suffering to see her through school. She quietly packed her things and left the house. I am still on this, trying to get her to forgive herself first and I know that God will use me to restore her.
This is happening in so many homes .So many women are living with men who cannot control themselves when it comes to anything in skirt.Guys, this is an abomination. That girl becomes your daughter the moment you accept to marry her mother.
I also see some step fathers who don’t want to have anything to do with their step children. I see women struggling for their children even when they have their step father with them. This is absolutely wrong. I was surprised seeing a man include the fiancé’s children as beneficiaries in his will even when they are yet to be married. This same man went out of his way to buy a land for the woman’s first son. This is what it should be. This same man bothers more about the children’s future and studies more than their own mother. The children are now so fond of him that they can’t stay without him. As you plan for your biological children, don’t leave your step children out.
Can your step children come to you when they need things like money? Can they confide in you even more than their own mother? I have seen it happen and I know what I am talking about. There is nothing as loving to a woman as you accepting her children, treating them like your own children and having them in mind at all times.
There is no selfishness in love. Love is not about talking; your action says it all. We need to be more civilized here. Don’t marry a woman and then refuse to accept her children as yours. Those children may turn out to be your source of joy in the nearest future.
It is not enough telling a woman how much you love her, show her you really do by accepting her children and taking proper care of them.Dont allow your family members to remind them you are not their father and your house is not their home. Get everyone to know your stand when it comes to your step children. If you can do this, your wife will be happy and forever grateful to you.