24th September, 2010
Fear of failure is a familiar terrain to most people and one area of life you wouldnâ€™tÂ want to fall victim is relationship. Are you afraid of failing or disappointing a lovedÂ one? No need, just have a solid foundation or better still, strengthen your pillars andÂ life may soon be on its way to stability and firmness.
For our concluding part of last weekâ€™s discuss on pillars of marriage, we will be able toÂ consider three more points, this does not exhaust all there is to a good marriage, but weÂ can say it is an idea of what is expected in the success direction.
This, in other words, gives you an open ticket to add as many pillars as considered fitÂ for your relationship to soar. We then focus on:
â€¢Tolerance: This is very much needed in life as â€œall things are not always equal.â€ HaveÂ you thought about it that you do not ever have to tolerate good things? No, they areÂ always welcome, if not always expected. It is the bad that gives you this greatÂ assignment of â€˜toleranceâ€™ and unfortunately, life is not complete without someÂ challenges, so you really need it. I know some people wouldnâ€™t love to hear this part butÂ all the same, you need to know so you donâ€™t make the mistake of others.
Tolerance is when the elasticity of your capacity is tested. Why do we need to tolerateÂ others? We are different people from diverse backgrounds. Love and attraction have doneÂ their great home work of bringing you together and expect you to conclude the equationÂ using every available tool to stay in love. The bitter truth about the one you love is,Â an adult is difficult to change forcefully.
You might be among the lucky few whose spouses are careful to adjust to requiredÂ lifestyle but if this not your experience, tolerate his/her weaknesses while you lovinglyÂ express your expectations, hoping time will bring a change.
I have known Mish and Ken (not real names) for close to five years and according to Ken,Â â€œI met Mish in a supermarket where I dropped in to pick sandwich and a drink for lunch.Â Everyone seemed to be in so much hurry as if dashing to catch a train. There was thisÂ young lady in brightly coloured yellow and blue attire who broke protocol and walkedÂ right to stand in front of the queue, ignoring the fact there were other people waiting.Â The thought that came to mind was the response of the babe she chanced but surprisingly,Â the lady in question said nothing, it was the shop attendant and the other people whoÂ took up the battle and sent the troublesome chap to the back of the queue where she wasÂ due.
â€œI then walked up to the peaceful babe and initiated a conversation. Really, I was sweptÂ by her quietness and composure and she won my heart from outset and this made it a lotÂ easier for me to conclude after a year she would be my wife.
â€œThings turned well and Mish and I are together till now.â€
Settling down together was not so much fun for Ken as Mish didnâ€™t meet his expectation inÂ home keeping. He tried a couple of times to point his wife to what she needed to do butÂ in her usual â€˜no trouble attitudeâ€™ there was no remarkable change. When Ken complained toÂ me, I told him to show a good example by lending a helping hand where needed and triedÂ not to nag.
One day, Ken walked in from work and went straight to cleaning and arranging the houseÂ before taking off his clothes or even agreeing to eat. This was the final straw thatÂ broke the camelâ€™s back as Mish was so embarrassed that she couldnâ€™t look her husband inÂ the eye. She went to the room, grabbed a pen and wrote I will clean and arrange my houseÂ everyday, posted it on her dressing mirror and started the good work right away.
Ken was overjoyed when he returned the following evening to meet a clean house. You see,Â his tolerance paid off, yours will also, so give it a go.
â€¢Friendship: Couples who are real friends find it a lot easy staying together. GettingÂ attracted to each other is cheap and anyone can do that but cultivating friendshipÂ remains an all-time hard work.
There are obviously different kinds of friendship but one basic thing we all expect isÂ trust. You tend to be very much at home with a spouse who is more of a friend than aÂ co-tenant. A friend knows of your weaknesses but not use them to your detriment. ThisÂ automatically lets you share success and failures alike without thinking of being judgedÂ or condemned.
A man whose female secretary was behaving funny towards him could not tell his wifeÂ because he was not sure how she was going to respond. He thought he could manage theÂ situation alone but when the heat got so intense, he confided in a male friend whoÂ advised him to take advantage of her vulnerability and that landed him in a bigÂ troubleâ€”the girl got pregnant and died in the process of abortion.
His career was greatly affected not to mention finance. What makes you a good friend isÂ the way you make others feel comfortable around you, even when they are wrong. I am notÂ saying you should celebrate wrong but make allowance for mistakes and deal with theÂ issues not the person.
â€¢Good communication: The level of your communication reveals the depth of yourÂ relationship. There is a parent in my childrenâ€™s school whose daughter happens to be inÂ the same class with my second son. We never really greeted nor said much to each otherÂ until the day we came across each other during an evening walk in our neighbourhood.Â Definitely, we recognised we see at school but never knew we lived on the same street.
Next day at school, we talked and laughed as she told me about plans for the daughterâ€™sÂ birthday and the frustration of choice of colours. Of course, my children were invitedÂ and till now, weâ€™re still together. The more you know your spouse, the easier it is toÂ talk or communicate positively.
Good to know about communication is the fact that it can be done in your choice, way, orÂ manner. This makes it a little different for everyone as every relationship is dynamic.Â Your style of communication is not as important as the fact that the message is passed.Â If animals can communicate and even notify each other of impending danger, how much moreÂ would humans, especially when it comes to expressing emotion? Your spouse dreams to knowÂ you better so talk, express your feelings and allow a chance to be understood.