15th October, 2010
Two different souls in most cases start up as friends and by the time you know what is happening, they are joined together in holy matrimony. One of the first money questions that come up when singles eventually become couples is, “do we pool our finances or keep them separate?â€
I am going to make some bold statements in this article, but I will stand by them. It was not my intention to offend you but I hope this gets you thinking about your current financial set-up with your spouse.
Some people write telling me how much of a feminist I am in my articles. Guys, please read my Tuesday column before judging me. Friday is strictly for men just as Tuesday is for women.
Some of you also feel my articles are for self appraisal. Sorry, I can’t help it because I went through whatever I went through in life for such a time as this. I don’t like hiding things; I would rather use myself as an example for people to be blessed. I believe God had to put me through it all for me to be able to touch lives and that is what I am doing.
Whether you are newly married or you have been in it for 20 years, the issue of joint versus separate bank accounts is a hot topic among couples. I had the privilege of having a long debate with some other guests’ weeks back when I visited a friend. My friend, who is working on her new book on relationships, was trying to get our opinions on some trivial issues.
I was surprised seeing the mood of people, who sounded loving and caring, change the moment my friend raised this issue of joint account for couples. According to her, Nigerian marriages are totally out of God’s design for marriage. There is so much deceit and dishonesty in our relationships. People go to the altar and make their professions of love, exchange marital vows but the question is, “how many people really understand the meaning of the vow: “…to have and to hold, in sicknesses and in health, in wealth and in poverty, for better for worse …â€
How many Nigerians can say for sure that they are one with their partners. So many of us pretend to be so much in love with our partners. We let people see only what we want them to see. But I want to ask you this question: In the presence of your maker, are you really one?
So many men have come up with very wonderful and humanly acceptable reasons for not having a joint account with their wives. Below are some of the reasons:
SHE SPENDS TOO MUCH:
I agree with you. There are some women who lack self-control when it comes to money. I see women who should be thinking of saving for the future of their kids go about looking for how to spend the money. You could have this kind of woman in your house or you are probably relating with her based on the experience of your friends and colleagues.
The answer to this problem is communication and/or marriage counselling, definitely not separate bank accounts. If your wife refuses to change her spending habits, then you don’t have a financial problem, you have a marriage problem. You need to find a common ground and help her out of this problem rather than shout at her and keep secrets from her. If you really love her, you can get her to that point where she becomes a better manager of your resources.
There are also women who are not trustworthy, no doubt. The moment she notices you with some money, she comes up with a long list of items needed in the home. This has made so many men begin to hide their financial status from their wives. But guys, don’t you think this is not what and how it should be? The mind of God for your home is for your wife to know everything, I mean, everything about you. For the Christians, remember the story of Adam and Eve at creation,…they were naked before each other and they were not ashamed. Marriage should make us to be naked before each other.
You are not supposed to decide on the things to tell your wife and those she should be in the dark about. Yes, you are trying to protect yourself and pride, but if that woman is not going to accept you the way you are, she doesn’t love you. Likewise, if you cannot accept your wife with her past and mistakes, then you don’t love her. I still remember my mum’s words whenever as children, we try to criticize people —no matter how insane a woman is, there is someone out there who is in love with her insanity.
Most women are not honest with their men when it comes to finances. This is due to societal influence of parents and friends. Some mothers make demands that are out of this world from their daughters; some of them even use blackmail to get things from their daughters. Friends are not left out as they feed the woman with so many negatives even before she moves into your house.
All these leave the woman thinking she has to protect her future with you. This she goes about by way of stealing and lying to get money from you. But like I always say, no matter how tough a woman is, there is a man out there who can make her weak and get her totally dependent on him.
Sir, you cannot achieve this by shouting at her; you cannot achieve much by hiding things from her. You can only change a woman by having a heart-to-heart talk with her in a very romantic atmosphere. Talk to her and make her begin to see you as one with her. Remember, this is the 21st century, every wise woman will respect and honour her man, but don’t ever try to compare your wife’s attitude with that of your mother.
Some men claim their wives came into the marriage with so much debt and baggage. I hear people say it that their wives brought debt into the marriage and she should pay it. This makes me cringe each time I hear it. When you get married, you become one body, one flesh. You work as a team and help each other no matter what. If your wife brings her debts into your marriage, you have an obligation as a marriage partner to share that debt.
You can also have a budget of how to spend your money each month. This will make her avoid unnecessary demands from you. As a co-signatory to my husband’s account with the right to sign alone, I never at any time removed money or make unnecessary demands from him. This he can bear witness to. People saw me as a big fool, but I chose to live with a conscience that is free of guilt. I was honoured the day he told me that he tried me severally to know how honest I am with money before he could allow me access to his account.
When you said “I do†at the altar, you made a commitment to become one cohesive unit. You should begin to act as one with your wife. When you choose not to share your finances, you are choosing not to share one of the most important aspects of your life.
Some guys will come up with the excuse that their wife earns money and keeps it to herself and that is his reason for keeping his. It is your duty as the head of the house to provide and take care of your wife. She shouldn’t be forced to handle some expenditure at the home front because you were the one who went to take her from her parent’s house, so, you should take care of her. Women being what we are, you will be surprised how much she will start spending from her salary to keep you happy.
My younger sister is married to a fellow banker who has never bothered about her salary. He knows she earns quite a lot, but at the beginning of every month, they plan their budget based on his own income. My sister has access to his account. Few weeks back, during our discussion, my sister was so grateful to God for such a man. That is a man who understands marriage and knows that it is not the duty of a woman to feed the home. There are cases where you as the husband lose your job or find yourself bankrupt, your wife can only help wholeheartedly if during your good times, you showed her that she is indeed one with you.
Another good reason why a joint account is good is that it makes your wife trust you more. She believes you when you say you can’t afford certain things because she knows you all round. Haven’t you noticed some women make silly comments about their husband in his down time. This is because in his time of plenty, he didn’t let her into his world.
Like I said previously, this is not an attack on your current opinion, but it is yet another article for a change. I know there are people out there with separate bank accounts, but it is the minority. So many Nigerian marriages are far from being enjoyed, people just live and go through this life in pain, all in the name of marriage. This still takes us back to the same question my friend asked: Do we really have marriages in Nigeria or just two people acting and deceiving each other for the society to be happy?