1st April, 2011
We can only grow to become what our environment is. The home is the strongest and most important unit of the society. The society can never grow beyond what the family is. There are people born with great potentials, but they are not in their best place because of the environment they find themselves.
I have seen men and women who were created to become great agents of change live and die hopelessly. Many people are struggling with one thing or the other due to family background. I have seen men who desire so much to become good husbands and fathers, but they fail each time they make any attempt towards the positive.
I have experienced it and this is why I can authoritatively ask you to check out family backgrounds before you go into any relationship. A woman whose mother ruled over the father will grow up to be a “Jezebelâ€. A man or woman who grew up to see his/her father beat the mother will also be affected.
This is a solemn call to Nigerian men to be more careful with their lives and style of leadership in homes. Whatever you are today is what generations after you will be known for. The African soil is one blessed with great men and women, but they could not reach their destined heights because of the environment.
I still see parents living in the 50s when all it takes to raise a good child is shouting and flogging. I recently, after looking into the lives and backgrounds of different Nigerian men and women, concluded that the family has the ability to make or mar us.
Below is a list of mistakes parents make which go a long way in forming the child.
Violence:
Whenever violence is mentioned, we take our minds only to a man beating his wife. But I am going to look at violence from two different perspectives
Husband-Wife Violence:
It is not a hidden fact that a good number of African men, especially Nigerians are violent towards their wives. You may feel bad about this truth but that doesn’t make it a lie. From my columns, I have received reports that sometimes make me shed tears for my fellow women. When is the Nigerian man going to realise the importance of a woman and give her the respect she deserves?
What on earth will make you raise your hand on a woman, the mother of your children? What is that thing you cannot take from a woman who loved you so much as to put her life on the line and carry another living being in her womb for 40 weeks just because she wants to keep your lineage? What will make you slap a woman who goes through pain and sometimes loses her muscles and health in the process of having your children?
Oh man; you have no excuse for engaging in domestic violence. You have always offended her; you have always done things that got her asking if she is a human being like you. But she took them from you and still loves you. Why can’t you do same for her?
Okay, I agree with you that you are Mr Ever Right; you have never hurt her. She is crazy and is the cause of your beating her. But what about those little angels watching you? Do you think they are too small to know what is going on? This is one of the reasons children grow up to turn rebellious towards their father.
There are people I know who are still living in bitterness against their father. I have a friend who recently told me about his relationship with the father. His father dealt terribly with his mother and later abandoned them for another woman. After years of suffering to raise them, the mother died. He swore never to go near his father.
As a young man doing well in his career, he sends money to him whenever he needs it, but has refused to set eyes on him because, according to him, he feels terrible pain for weeks whenever he goes near his father as that brings the picture of his mother being beaten constantly. I am still trying my best to help him out of it, but I can tell you, with tears in my eyes, it is not easy seeing your mother in the grave as a result of your father’s actions.
Last week, after a youth programme where I was invited as the guest speaker, a young girl called and later came to see me. She did not stop crying until she left me. According to this very beautiful girl in her late 20s, she is afraid to get into marriage and it has been difficult keeping relationships. She goes into relationships with men who don’t know where she is coming from (a good reason to open up to one another).
Whenever a guy shouts at her, she is taken back to her childhood days when the father constantly abused the mother with terrible words and beating. She told me she swore never to take that from a man. She has many suitors, but can’t settle down because she is afraid of going through what her mother went through. We have been talking since then and I know God will see her through.
Our dear fathers and husbands, whatever you are doing today speaks in the years to come. Go on maltreating your wife for reasons best known to you. Some of you subject women to terrible emotional pain and then cover up with material things. You buy them the best of cars, thereby making outsiders believe everything is alright with her. Sir, you can deceive outsiders, but not your children.
There are still men maltreating their wives because they have just female children. I think your problem is ignorance and lack of knowledge because if you are knowledgeable enough, you should know that you are the one who determines the sex of the baby and not the woman.
Who told you that having a male child is the only assurance you need to keep your name going? Havent you seen people have seven boys only to lose them one after the other? Haven’t you also seen people with male children cry and regret their births?
Read this true story: There was a woman who had her shop next to my mum’s. This woman was the person who forcefully opened my ears against my father’s faith. She has six children, all girls. This made her husband turn his back on them because he believed all he needed was a male child. He got another woman who gave him two boys.
God is the only wise one, but it is unfortunate that we try to play His role under certain conditions. I must use this medium to commend one of my readers, who after reading my article on childlessness, has been the one begging the wife to accept adoption. He has been able to convince his mother to accept adoption. This is a real man.
Back to the story at hand; the girls grew up to become great people. As I write this, two out of the six are medical doctors in the USA and happily married. One is a Catholic Nun, another, a Lawyer, one a pharmacist with an NGO for women, while the last who is my favourite is now an Engineer.
Their mother, a woman who spent all she had to see them through school is now living in heaven on earth. She travels from one country to the other and when she is home, she has different kinds of domestic staff at her beck and call.
Asking what is happening to the boys? One died a long time ago while the second one is totally useless. Their father is now out of job with the girls now taking care of him-the rejected stones are now the chief cornerstones.
The concluding part of this article comes next week. Keep a date with me and VOTE WISELY.
