Till Violence Do Them Part

Time and again, abundant evidence point to the fact that only a very thin line separates man from beast. Fathers impregnating their own daughters, grown men raping children, ritualists mutilating little children and leaving them for dead, youth corps members butchered for no just cause and husbands sadistically killing their spouses.

When couples exchange marriage vows and promise to stay with each other “till death do them part”, I’m sure they don’t mean till one of them decides to literally be the death of the other.

Marriage or any other kind of relationship is not a ball and chain affair. If the air in the home has become too toxic for either of the couple to carry on with the relationship, there is absolutely no reason for that person to feel so trapped or irate that the only recourse is violence.

Nigerian men in the Diaspora have gained a fine reputation for themselves, especially those in the United States. Anybody with access to the Internet can do a little bit of research and see for themselves the shameful roll call of those who have violently murdered their wives and the mothers of their children.

Almost all of the incidents have the same premise—that of men killing the women they feel have grown too big for their britches. With a few exceptions, all the murdered women were registered nurses.

The norm seems to be for the men to send for wives from Nigeria, put them through nursing school and then relax while the women start earning money from nursing which is some sort of cash cow for most immigrants. The reasoning is that, if not for the men that brought them into the country, processed their papers for them and put them through nursing school, they wouldn’t be where they are.

When the women start to chafe at the bit between their teeth, the inevitable friction results in consequences that may include a split. This is, of course, unacceptable. How do you expect the men to recoup their investment, especially when they feel a sense of ownership over the woman?

The only solution, of course, is to literally destroy the woman. The kind of violence these women are subjected to is often beyond belief. The intensity of the men’s hatred for their spouses is such that even after killing them, often in front of their children, they still remain unrepentant.

It would seem like the same scenario played itself out in Nigeria when one Kolade Arowolo stabbed his wife to death. As a matter of fact, the part about the repeated stabbings and the hammer fits an incident involving a Nigerian man in the diaspora and his nurse wife eerily.

The part that really defies understanding is the degree of violence. Developing stories indicate that the man had been violent towards his young wife in the past. I think this is a lesson for any young woman out there in any relationship: there is really no need to fool yourself into thinking that marriage is going to change a violent boyfriend.

If anything, he will probably get worse, unless something monumental happens to transform such a person. This is not an attempt to castigate the men, I’m sure some women are violent toward their husbands as well; however, statistics show that it is the men who are almost always the instigators and perpetrators of violence.

The sad thing is that violence in the home is a self-perpetuating occurrence that continues to manifest itself in successive generations in so many ways. The young boys in a home where the fathers physically abuse the mothers grow up thinking that is a normal way of life.

The girls also think it is normal for men to beat women and as such may find it hard to break away from the cycle of violence, even when they find themselves in violent relationships. After all, if their mother could endure it for all those years, then she, too, had to bear it.

The smart ones know that for the sake of their sanity and their children, they have to break away from a violent relationship before the relationship breaks them irrevocably.

Sometimes I wonder the kind of insanity that will compel anyone to act in that manner. The people who engage in such wanton acts of violence know that they will have the rest of their lives to repent of their actions.

The ones who carried out the dastardly acts against their nurse wives have been incarcerated and have all the time in the world to reflect on their very fine actions and ask themselves if that act was worth sacrificing the rest of their lives, and turning their innocent children into technical orphans.

One of them even has a very lovely seat on death row.

Relationship violence exists in every part of the world. As a matter of fact, there is a very good reason why shelters for battered women exist in most developed countries. I’ve never heard of a shelter for battered men seeking refuge from their wives or girlfriends.

Who knows, maybe such a thing exists. Some of the women may find the courage to go to these shelters and save their lives and that of their children. Nigeria needs serious shelters for women who are the victims of domestic violence; most of them don’t have anywhere to go to and as such, remain in abusive relationships until it may be too late for them.

A leopard cannot change its spots. Someone who is inclined to violence will find it hard to change, especially when such a person does not receive counselling to find out the root of the aggression. May Titilayo’s soul rest in peace.

Her husband has done the worst that he can do. Hopefully, now he will have the rest of his life to reflect on his awesome handwork and think about the murderous legacy that he has bequeathed his poor, innocent daughter who will have the sceptre of her father’s dastardly act hanging over her head for the rest of her life.

•Akunna Ejim wrote this piece for TheNEWS magazine.