22nd July, 2011
To say that someone would willingly kill what appeals to him/her or what gives so much joy to mankind, could be a bizarre reasoning. This alone places me in a position not to judge any act or move that could kill love. Rather, Iâ€™ll consider them as things done in error or ignorance and need a bit of pointing in the right direction. Did you get that? No one in his/her right senses would want to hurt his/her relationship, so we are going to be enumerating things that can help us be better lovers; giving our best to the one we love and striving hard to be there for them when possible.
The choice to love someone is a brilliant idea but we often have reasons to do otherwise. Things come up in the course of the relationship that twist your initial hand of fellowship extended, you may even doubt if you really chose this person as your intimate partner or what you were thinking at the time. No matter what is challenging your choice of love and drifting you in the direction of regret or abandonment, remember that nothing in life is ever for ever smooth and trouble-free.
There might be difficult times in your relationship but the decision to hold on remains yours, while your attitude during this time reveals whether you are helping the love to grow or killing it.
For all I know, most people would want to do whatever possible to have a sweet and fulfilling relationship. To achieve this we should carefully consider the following.
â€¢Family: One thing that kills love so quickly is your inability to cope with or accommodate the family members of your spouse. I wonder how one could be so much in love with a person but refuses to hear about the root he/she came from. Did they drop from the skies? No. Now, someone, somewhere gave birth to them, nurtured and probably gave formal education which you are enjoying its fruits today. No one would want you to maltreat their family members because if they are silent today, they are only giving you time to learn your lessons and mend your ways or the future may turn in an unexpected direction. I know some in-laws can be quite difficult, possessive and sarcastic, but a little wisdom might do the trick and get you off their hook. I tell people that sometimes, you might not necessarily do it because of them but for the sake of your peace and the relationship you have with the one you love. On the other hand, inability to manage your family members and help them understand the privacy you require to build a formidable home could cost you a fortune. Love your family members but protect your spouse because if there is any case your spouse would be left at their mercy. Everyone loves his son/daughter first and would want to support them even at the expense of the other party.
â€¢Career: We love to earn money to support our family but this should not be done without the family in focus. If there are children in the relationship, one person should be in a more flexible employment or venture which would allow a good attention for the young ones. What would be your joy if after all youâ€™ve worked for there are only vagabonds to waste your resources? Where children have not started coming or have grown out of the house, you should still spend ample time with your spouse. Let there be good bond and grow to be each otherâ€™s best friend. Learn to share your lives as much as practicable.
â€¢Sexual difference: Sexual intimacy is part of the marriage package and must be enjoyed throughout the union. Thereâ€™s often a problem when one party feels deprived. The man and woman are wired differently and have peculiar things that turn them on. Not being able to understand your spouseâ€™s sexual need and fulfil them blinks a red light on the relationship. Desire, explore and enjoy each otherâ€™s love.
â€¢I too know (ITK): Humility would always take you places arrogance canâ€™t go. Itâ€™s totally wrong to always try to put your loved one on the spot, making them feel less important or intelligent. If you know better, do it without raising dust. Wanting only your opinion to count and always putting your voice to be heard last and loud is a serious problem. Keep cool, carry the other person along and watch your relationship blossom with respect.
â€¢Bad sense of humour: Some jokes are meant for the bedroom while others can go on the roof top. A joke about your wifeâ€™s bad shape, no matter how nicely you put it, is not going to be funny to her at all outside and neither is your husband going to applaud you for teasing his strength before friends. Know exactly what is likely to offend your spouse and keep miles away from it.
â€¢Unwelcomed friends: Yes, now that you are married, you should be able to feel comfortable in the company of his/her friends but if not look into it, find out why you are not connecting and work out if you still need that relationship. Women are particularly gifted in this area, (intuition) they might not be able to tell in clear language what is wrong with that person but they just keep saying â€˜it doesnâ€™t feel right.â€™ You donâ€™t need to insist against your spouseâ€™s intuition but discuss and find a diplomatic way to let go of that relationship but make sure he/she is not being jealous, possessive or domineering, not wanting other people around you.
â€¢Bad habits: A very sincere wife once asked if it would be wrong to ask her husband to brush his teeth before bedtime. â€œHe just comes from work, slouches on the bed only to wake later and demand intimacy,â€ she feels he needs to work on his hygiene to get the desired attention. A little adjustment could work wonders. Be sensitive to his/her need.
â€¢Selfishness: Itâ€™s good to love yourself and shower care of all sorts to keep you going but once you are married, learn to share your good moments with your spouse. Putting your spouseâ€™s need first earns you more respect than mere words can express.