Happily Married

Aidy Thomas

Aidy Thomas

Aidy Thomas

Men and women are as different as black and white; what appeals to one might be total nonsense to the other, while being controlled by different emotional frequencies also determines, to a great extent, their behaviour, reaction and approach to issues.

This, I guess, is one of the things which make the process of blending in marriage a bit more challenging. Marriage isn’t always a smooth ride but when you get it right, it’s the best ride of your life. The thought of relating with the opposite sex probably has more fantasies than every other aspect of life put together. Even the young guy going to school to settle in a profession has it on his mind that the money he’ll make later in life would be spent with a lovely lady who he’ll love deeply and share intimacy with.

The girls on the other hand, constantly look for ways to stay beautiful and please ‘Prince charming,’ imagining how to combine career and home front to get a balanced equation for happiness.

Someone once said to me, “the reason for all the troubles in the world is the desire to please the opposite sex. Guys could steal to keep their babes happy; girls don’t mind walking naked to entice boys; the whole cycle of human decisions weave around pleasing the people they are in love with.

In other words, a sweet and cosy relationship is the dream/wish of everyone—people who claim they love to be single might say so because they are not sure they can find true love. Now, out of fear of being hurt, decide not to give it a chance at all but you know what? Perfect love has no fear; if you expect love, give it first and your life will sure be better for it.

Dealing with the fear of abandonment or disappointment is a positive step in the right direction if happiness is to be achieved. Marriages are not always easy and good marriages don’t just happen by accident; you work for it. Unfortunately, people are greatly influenced by what they see on the television and the pages of newspapers. Celebrities who tend to be the society’s role models can hardly help themselves as they are the people with the highest rate of divorce and remarriage, drugs, sexual abuse, etc., so many families have been destroyed by false presentation of what marriage should be; the woman then thinks if he doesn’t come home with flowers like the man in the movie, each time he offends me, he doesn’t really love me. The man expects her to always be ‘ready’ for him even before he says so. In the real world of marriage, it would not be so, there would be times things would go very far from your wish and expectation, but you need to stay and find a way round it.

True happiness is found each day through the experience of couples who consciously work out how to balance the demands of life and differences to achieve stability. This they do through the following:

•Focus: Keeping that dream of a happy home alive can help you in some way if you make a conscious effort to accomplish it. A couple came to me for counsel at the hottest point of their marriage—they were ready to split. When I looked at their body language, I knew they loved each other deeply but were only frustrated by inexperience. The most effective thing I said, according to their feedback, was telling them to love for that purpose that brought them together. Did you get that? Something made you want to be with him/her, find it, go back to it and keep it alive.

•Say thank you: Sounds simple to say ‘thank you’ but the impact is enormous. No one would be happy if their act of love was treated as a right or something long overdue. We want our loved ones to tick and beam at our effort to please them. This makes them want to do more, not necessarily because they expect a ‘thank you’ but because your thank you communicates to them you appreciated/loved the move and it probably made you happy. And what else? They want you happy, so they’ll do more.

•Romance: Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Simple acts like stroking your spouse’s back as you pass by in the living room or hugging unexpectedly as they wanted to make way to the kitchen, send strong feelings of love than mere words. Romance is far deeper than touch and feels; it is your entire way of treating and responding to him/her. Kind words, soft looks, smiles, eye contact even in public, generally making him/her feel as the most important fellow in your life.

•Expectations: Play down on your great expectations and remember no one is flawless. Admit it is difficult or almost impossible to change an adult by force—love and understanding does the job faster. Make room for inadequacies and differences, after all, you came from different backgrounds.

•Talk some more: Cultivate the habit of hearing each other clearly before you venture into problem solving. Talk honestly about your need and discuss ways you’ll love to be treated. If you wanted to marry someone who would read your mind and do exactly what pleases you, you would have gone for a magician, but since you didn’t, say what is in your mind clearly.

•Let it go: A wife who still remembers the ugly wedding dress her husband bought for her, the miserable honeymoon or the pains of going through the delivery of their first child without her husband by her side, is only hurting herself. True to it, these things are very painful but how long do you want to keep feeling the pains? Or your wife mistakenly lost £500 when she went shopping and since you refused to buy her things? Come on, we know it’s painful, but don’t let this ruin her chances of getting gifts from you, the only person she loves emotionally.

•Just a little gift: Gifts of love do not always need to be expensive. Only ensure to buy relevant things (you’ll get to know what your spouse loves through association) that appeal to him/her. There was a day my husband came home with a small bouquet of assorted rose flowers and a card saying how wonderful our time together in the marriage has been. When I received it, I was elated but guess what? I stopped by a grocery (not one of the popular ones we go to) two days after to pick a few stuff and saw the same flower displayed there for £3. He must have gone there to buy it because he never thought I would go there but I tell you, the realisation of the price did not change the way I felt and never even mentioned it to him that I got to know where he got his gift from. It’s not how much, but how well.

•Be best of friends: Act and react as friends and not enemies or rivals.

•Get away: Finding time to disappear from familiar routine is a good way to bring a spark into your relationship. This involves leaving children behind with nannies or family members to concentrate on each other. Learning and discovering new ways to love and please your spouse. Spend quality time together to play, chat, touch and enjoy your life.

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