Love Erosion

Aidy Thomas

Aidy Thomas

Aidy Thomas

Is it true that people who were once head over heels in love would wake up one day and discover their love for each other has become a thing of the past?

A disillusioned man once said to me; “my wife just woke up one morning, packed her things and moved out of our matrimonial home. At first, I thought it was some kind of joke but when I didn’t see her come home for lunch nor call to explain why she wasn’t available for weekend family lunch, I knew something was really wrong, but still could not link it to separation or divorce. Day after day, I was left with the difficult task of trying to convince myself it wasn’t true, denying the fact and did that help me? My wife and I just had a minor disagreement and there it was—the END. I wasn’t expecting this at all and coping with it has been a major challenge, I’m wondering everyday what would have come over her? Where did we miss it? Has someone been saying some silly stuff to mislead her? Could it be she found another guy ready to play Mr. Right? I could not readily find an answer to all these questions in a jiffy.”

The decision to leave the marriage might not be a very wise nor mature one, but one thing I know for sure is that things would have been happening in that relationship, weakening its foundation and making the poor woman wait for the slightest opportunity to escape although I don’t support her actions, they could have handled it together. What this means in essence is that the things you do to your spouse either add up to strengthen or weaken your union and just like any weak foundation, one day, all the efforts you have been putting to build the relationship may come crumbling down.

It’s really a pity that lovers could allow things go this bad with their relationship without dictating and throwing rescue net on time. This, indeed, should be a wake up call for us all not to take our spouses for granted, but work hard as much as we can to make them feel loved and wanted. Love is a sensitive gift; the receiver wants it protected by the giver as well. The ones at the receiving end never seem to get enough of it; they want more and lots of assurance to confirm it would continue that way. Difficult, isn’t it? But the good news or call it mystery, is that the more you give, the happier you are and the more you would want to give. There’s no drying up of one source in a balanced love relationship. We should be careful not to let our relationships get to the point of death, taking note of a few things could make a whole lot of difference.

•Resentment: This is a secret state of the heart that most people do not even know they are victims. It is so easy to think and feel your spouse would have performed better in certain areas of his/her life. Resentment comes when your expectations have been cut short. At times, it gets to the point that mere seeing him/her is annoying to you. You just wish both of you never came together under the same roof. One way to overcome this is learning (it might be very challenging as your spouse might not be willing to respond) to openly discuss your dissatisfaction and arriving at a better way to handle it

•Revenge: There is no way you would play a negative ‘tit for tat’ and still have good and strong marriage. Trying to match every bad action of your spouse to also make them have a fair share of your hurt is not, in any way, a wise line. Offence may have been caused in error but revenge is a well planned, thought over and carefully executed move. The danger with revenge is that it is never at the same level with the hurt you are trying to match, your reactions tend to be more severe.

•Pride: A newly married lady was shocked when I told her that pride is the primary cause of separation or divorce. I went ahead to tell her that there is no kind of problem one cannot overcome if one humble yourself enough to discuss a way forward and ready to take corrections. It’s so painful when I hear couples say they won’t be the first to apologise to their mates. No one likes to hang out with ‘peacocks’ who feel too big to say sorry or thank you when necessary. Bringing a feel of pride to your relationship is another way of telling him/her you are too much for that union. Now, tell me if you are too much for your spouse, why didn’t you go to the people who match your class? Forget that thing my dear, life is simple; learn to take it easy.

•Jealousy: An overtly jealous spouse is a pain in the neck to the other person. When your spouse suspects every move you make, questions every phone call or text message you receive, wants to know who hugged and stained your shirt/dress even when nobody came close to you at all, you just can’t help being irritated. The love they are trying to protect soon turns sour. Instead of drawing close to them, you find yourself a million miles away because you do not want to be judged or questioned unnecessarily.

•Selfishness: This kills love faster than any man could envisage. Selfishness is the ‘me syndrome’ which does not ever let you remember other people exist and have need just as you do. You just enjoy keeping others second place and they only come into the picture when you have been sorted. Behaving this way with the one you love can only cause harm.

•Final say: Wanting everything to stand on yours is a dangerous step to take if you want your relationship to stay alive. Try and avoid making your spouse feel it is always your opinion that matters. A couple once had a birthday party to attend and the husband asked the wife to get a gift for the celebrant. She suggested they should give some money with a nice birthday card. The woman bought the card and on their way to the party, the husband stopped by at a shopping mall and got a gift. The woman kept quiet and when they got there, the same gift was found in the celebrant’s living room and she quickly added, “let me take this ugly stuff away from my sight now that my guests have started arriving.” The husband, hearing this was too ashamed to even bring out his gift. When it was time for presentation of gifts, he went to the celebrant and confessed, “we had a gift for you but I messed up with it, please forgive me, I’ll make it up to you.” After the party, his wife told him when next he had a decision to make, he should not involve her since he doesn’t consider her reasoning potent. She’s forgiven him but do you think that relationship would be the same? Let’s learn to be careful with each other.

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