9th September, 2011
The number of questions I have received about sexual compatibility is basically the driving force behind this topic. I have discovered that so many people have weird thought and understanding of sex that have either caged them throughout life or make them seem to have little or no idea of what place sex should occupy in a relationship.
I am not promising you to thrash this topic to everyoneâ€™s satisfaction, but I hope to share with you things Iâ€™ve heard from different people, personal experience and other researchersâ€™ findings on the issue. This makes me a bit nervous; not knowing precisely how many pages of write up would exclusively address this, but trust me, I have your interest at heart and would do my little best to help you enjoy intimacy in marriage (Iâ€™m strongly of the opinion that sex should be reserved only for marriage as it is too much to give away as a fling).
There are probably more myths and stories about sex than any other aspect of adult life. This, I think, makes young people, even older ones, anxious to try out what this big issue is all about. The one that surprises me most is when someone who is legally married strays to the arms of a stranger in search of sexual adventure/satisfaction. Disgusting, isnâ€™t it?
Some school of thought believe that sexual compatibility is most likely to occur when there is personality similarity, while others believe having similar personality traits has nothing to do with sexual happiness. Whether you call it sexual chemistry or connection, one thing I know for sure, is that sex is important in marriage and can either make or break it. Yes, we agree it may not be the most important aspect of living together, but if not properly handled, can bring so much frustration and argument that would make the home worse than a war front. Apparently, a bad sexual connection is a sign that other things in the marriage may not be right after all.
I try to make people understand that sex does not exist in isolation; your over all relationship with each other, especially for the woman, determines to a great extent, what kind of sexual relations you are likely to enjoy in the union.
Couples who are naturally nice to one another and love spending time together as friends are more prone to closer sexual groove than their counterparts who have no bond outside the bedroom.
Some years ago, I attended a marriage seminar where the question was askedâ€ â€œwhat is the greatest sexual point?â€ You can guess the different answers people gave already, so there is no need for me to bore you with the repeat, but the surprise came when the resource person said it was actually the mind. I beamed because it was like describing me. When your mind tells you that someone, your husband or wife and not a stranger, truly loves and appreciates you, the level of struggle in bed will be greatly reduced or totally removed.
Having said that, ignoring the sexual need of your spouse is indirectly preparing yourself or spouse for cheating, masturbation, divorce or bitterness, which is not in any way my wish for you; marriage should be enjoyed in its entirety.
Common questions coming from couples sound like this: â€œMy husband loves sex and wants it every day; I donâ€™t think Iâ€™m prepared for this.â€
â€œMy wife is frigid and seems not to show any interest in sex.â€
â€œIâ€™m a new and inexperienced husband, is this why my wife hates sex?â€
â€œI am really a shy person, not sure if my husband would think Iâ€™m a bad girl if I express myself sexually the way I should.â€
â€œEach time I compare my wife with previous relationships, dissatisfaction sets in, how should I manage this?â€
â€œMy husband is always in a hurry each time we make love and sleeps off right away after his climax, this leaves me hanging and never wanting to have sex at all. I feel heâ€™s only using me to satisfy his burning desires.â€
â€œIâ€™ve never experienced orgasm and my husband is so worried that we are not sexually compatible.â€
I could go on and on because Iâ€™ve heard and handled quite a lot of this concern in marriage. If you can lay your hands on my article, Sex Education, some of your questions may be answered, but if not, who knows, this one might do the job.
Mutual sexual fulfilment is not an automatic experience in marriage, it grows and gets better just like other aspects of life. It is okay to be anxious or concerned if there would be sexual blending in your relationship, but remember, trying anything new in life comes with a bit of nervousness and sex is not an exception but time, gentleness, love and good communication deliver unbeatable result that swallow your initial fears. If you ask me, there is no need to try sex before marriage. I never did it as this is not a guarantee for good sexual flow. The truth is that each individual is unique and different. What you get from one may never be found elsewhere. How many are you able to sample and combine to derive satisfaction? This is where maturity and commitment to your marriage vow come in, stay with your spouse and learn to please each other as you openly talk about things that excite you.
If people can learn the language and culture of their spouses, what makes you think acceptable sexual acts cannot be learnt?
As far as Iâ€™m concerned, sexual compatibility is not about couples liking the same things in bed, but about being willing to sexually fulfil each other and seeking to help the other attain satisfaction. This unselfish move will in turn deliver so much joy and fulfilment to you.
I want to quickly mention here that sexual climax is not always attained simultaneously and this does not mean you are incompatible; most times, the man gets there first but if he understands the womanâ€™s drive, heâ€™ll be willing to spend a little more time to get her up there.
Couples should learn how not to condemn or rate each other as if they were in some kind of competition; good things in life do not always come easy, patience is lovely and even the most inexperienced person would eternally be grateful to a patient and experienced spouse who took him or her through the act of intimacy without condemnation or comparing with past relationships.
Sex is an integral part of good marriage but thinking youâ€™ll have a great marriage because of sex alone is a big lie-people who jump into bed before really getting to know each other almost end up regretting as early sex has the chance to blind your true judgment of love.