14th March, 2012
Eric Joyce has resigned from the Labour Party after deciding to pursue a career as a professional wrestler with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).
The MP for Falkirk, who admitted attacking four politicians during a drunken evening in a House of Commons bar, handed his resignation to party leader Ed Miliband and claimed that he was leaving to follow his true vocation.
Speaking in a personal statement to the Commons, Joyce explained the appeal that WWE held for him.
“Some people are good at one thing,” the statement read, “but I am in the incredibly fortunate position of not only being very good at politics, but also at all-star international wrestling, and it’s down that path that I feel my future lies.
“I guess I’ve always known that I wanted to be a wrestler. I remember that I used to sit on the back benches, quietly fantasising about dressing up in lycra and clothes-lining, the Tory MP sat opposite me. Now, I’ve finally decided that it’s time to turn those dreams into reality by joining the professional wrestling circuit.”
The statement throws new light on the incident in the Strangers Bar on 22 February which saw Joyce suspended from the party.
“At first I thought that Eric had gone off on some kind of drunken rampage,” said a witness to the event, who did not wish to be named. “In fairness, the statement does now explain quite a lot.
“At the time, we thought he was just drunkenly swinging at people, but as it turns out, he was simply practising his wrestling moves. It’s easier to understand now why he also felt the need to pin one bloke to the floor and sit on him, screaming: ‘FEEL THE BUUUUUUUURN!’ as he ripped his shirt off.”
Meanwhile, bookmakers have slashed Joyce’s odds of winning the next Royal Rumble to just 5/1 against.
“Yes, it’s all completely made up and scripted,” said a Paddy Power spokesperson, “but the chances are that even if he’s not meant to win, he’ll go on a rampage and end up flooring every other wrestler in the place.