23rd March, 2012
Appreciation and desire for good things is simply part of human nature. If you think because you are married you will never see that another woman is beautiful or a man who is not your husband is cute, you fool yourself. The eye cannot stop performing its function —seeing. Because you are now a married person, the onus is on you to determine what to do with what you have seen. You have the power to terminate any information from being processed in your mind and maturing into shameful action.
A young man I’ll call Mr. ‘B’ thought he could impress me with empty boast of how faithful he’s been to his wife but I had to tell him to calm down, we have heard that kind of story before. He said: “My wife is the most beautiful woman on earth, I have not seen any other woman that can match her. Since we got married, I’ve never looked at another woman twice”. People who talk like this have something they are trying to cover up or want to give an impression they know clearly is not true. Do you know that marriage is not primarily about beauty and looks? Yes, looks might be part of it because we want to like who we see around us but this in itself is not a sufficient factor. No matter how lovely a person is from afar, getting into a relationship will only disqualify your definition of beauty as a lot of things unfold by the day-some habits are not seen from a distance. Meeting this reality can so devastate you, making the thought of love to fly out of the window, so the ‘key’ is deciding to make it work with whoever you have chosen —no one is really better, we are all learning to adjust.
If beauty was all we needed to be happily married, why would ‘beauty queens’ divorce and remarry severally before the end of life? The day I saw a woman abuse her 6ft tall husband in public, I knew there was something more than what the eye can see in happy relationships. Some people seeing how good looking this man is would be tempted to conclude the wife is forever grateful to have him but I tell you, that is not the case; she’s ever regretting getting involved with him.
It’s good to face fact, nobody is the most beautiful or most handsome; our spouses could just be good enough for us or have you forgotten? “The beautiful ones are not yet born” “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and above all, age and time make nonsense of looks; if just a little accident could disfigure you for life then what remains to be loved?
Our concern as mature people should not be so much of how we look but who we are. From experience, I can tell you that marriage is a decision and when responsible adults take a decision they stand by it and take responsibility for their action/decision. They know that their integrity is tied to it. Seeing what looks like a better offer should not easily dissuade you from your focus —you have the power to make something beautiful out of every situation you find yourself. Successful people work with what they have, others complain about what they lack.
Sometimes infatuation comes suddenly as you catch a glimpse of someone who strikes a chord in your mind but at other times, it is slow, gradual and unplanned. The second one; to me is the most dangerous type because the first can easily be detected and dealt with if you have self discipline; you just need to reset/reprogramme your mind to avoid distraction. I’m not making a case or holding brief for bosses sleeping with their secretaries but do you know it’s a subtle way of getting carried away? When someone is with you most of the time and does all within her power to please you and carry out your instructions with little or no faults, it takes grace and discipline not to be attracted to such. You seem to forget she is working for her money and that obeying you is part of the pay. A lady was carried away by her gym instructor who pays particular attention to her effort to lose weight. She forgot the fact that this guy was doing his job and giving a massage at the end of every exercise session was part of the package she had paid for; thoughts of his tenderness overtook her and the unexpected later happened. In parts of the world where women use the services of private drivers, a lot of unpleasant stories abound. She becomes so attached to the driver and shares her life with him without caution. Would you say that her husband is not handsome or the other man’s wife is unfit? No, both were subtly drawn; it’s good to be aware of these things so we don’t fall prey.
Denying the fact that we sometimes get swept off by others will neither help nor make us saints. Just like resisting any other negative thought, fight and refocus your mind each time the currents try to run wild for the ‘wrong’ person. Applying a few of these tips might help us fight infatuation:
•Committed Love: I know it’s so easy to blame your spouse when he/she falters but investing time and love in each other would provide a strong link for victory-love conquers all. This does not suggest following or policing each other but a strong impression of love can replay in his/her mind all day.
•Discipline: I’m yet to find a man/woman who succeeds in life without discipline. Discipline tells you when to say yes/no with a conscious effort. When you restrain yourself, it shows you know exactly what is good for you.
•Decision: Decide what/who you want and be committed to it.
•Talk: Talking to each other when pressure comes might be a good rescue.
•Seek help: If you know you have a problem/weakness toward the opposite sex, confide in a mature person for guidance.
•Think: Infatuation deprives you of right thinking but a second effort to think over what you are doing throws more light on your empty desires.
As part of thinking, define relationships and know why people do certain things for you; not all acts of kindness have romantic undertone, some are responsibilities, others services and most times people just want to express pure human love but you interpret it to be advances. Think clearly!!!