13th July, 2012
Being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse begins with allocating so much time to others at the expense of your legal relationship. I keep wondering why people should feel so comfortable outside that time spent at home is boring and they can’t wait to be out and about with others.
Those who mourn about their spouses and how bad, unattractive, unstable, unintelligent, poor, etc. they are simply tell us how they have made a wrong choice.
Rachael, a beautiful young woman who works as an IT consultant for a big company admitted to being tired of her marriage after putting in five good years of labour. It was crystal clear she was the financial backbone of the union but that was not enough for her to push the man to a corner. She says her husband was not able to sustain intelligent discussions and was insecure whenever they met friends or during occasions. If her husband was not sharp enough for her class, why did she marry him in the first place?
I won’t be tired of saying that marriage is/should be a life time affair so it pays to make a careful choice. Notice it: I did not say ‘make an excellent/perfect choice. There is no way you can get it all correct form people or are you perfect? Things might change along the line and some projections might fall out of place but if your initial love tempo was right, you are likely to survive the tempest.
Forbes complained that his wife was completely different after the birth of their son and no longer find her attractive as she was before marriage. Responding to this is hard because I expect people; at least mature ones to be aware and embrace some biological truth associated with looks. I’m not in any way making excuses for women who are careless with their looks but at the same time, it’s good to know that the hormonal changes during pregnancy forces fat to be deposited more in some parts of the body for nurturing of the baby. Yes, after delivery and good time of breast feeding, hit the gym, control that blazing appetite; remember, that extra biscuit or meat pie can only add to your waist line.
Now back to Forbes, he started attending public functions alone until he strayed into the hands of a ravenous female colleague who made herself available and his marriage failed.
Finding fault with your spouse is a potent window for emotional infidelity. The worst part of it is when you share these lapses with outsiders and put yourself in a pitiful condition. Yes, they might sympathise with you but be sure it won’t end there. Little negative comments could turn mountains when regurgitated in private. The more you meditate on what you heard, the farther you heart and emotions from the one you had vowed to love for ever.
A woman made a comment about her husband; “don’t mind that fool” and I said to her if you chose a fool for a partner, you are likely to be a fool too- two cannot walk together except they agree. She did not expect that but take it from me, if the two shall become one, whatever you call your spouse is what you are, clear? Simple!
Having said all of these, it is important that we help ourselves to remain on cause in order to nurture our love. There are certain things you can do to help increase concentration on your union.
• Discover your spouse: Anybody who meets your spouse’s need has gotten the keys to his/her heart. Be it food, respect, attention, appreciation or just being nice to your spouse is something to watch. Give him/her what they enjoy; this includes every aspect of the marriage-from bedroom to kitchen and even outside. Find time to discover what type of clothes your mate appreciates and go for it; look well and he/she will likely look your direction.
•Celebrate your choice: One of the most irritating things I’ve heard in relationships is “I married him/ her in darkness or error”. What I ask such people is ‘What do you want from a spouse?’ If you can say what you want, then create it; make it happen: work for money, make him/her beautiful, work on attitude and character, etc. Do everything possible to enjoy your choice; at the end of the day, he/she would be happy your paths crossed. Don’t be afraid to make an impact in someone’s life; stop looking for ‘readymade meals’, they cost a fortune- sometimes your health, happiness or entire life. People are naturally wired to go where they are celebrated and welcome; if they feel important around you, they’ll glue to you.
•Define your boundaries: Being an extrovert can be great especially if you are created that way but throwing yourself on everybody around and speaking without thinking is what should be watched. Everyone is not supposed to know what goes on in your life. Sometimes they might not even proffer solution; you only end up exposing yourself and situation. Your spouse should be the best place to unleash your joy and pains. Do you know that sharing experiences bind people together?
• Practise contentment: You’ll forever meet nice people; ‘the beautiful ones are not yet born’. Just know that you cannot have the whole creation to yourself. Isn’t it? If you are not contented with what you have; even if they add the whole women/men in the world, you’ll still be looking out for others- probably attempt going to mars and get some aliens as well.
•Take a decision: Humans have the capacity to do whatever they are determined to do. If you choose to be responsible and committed to your spouse; nothing can defeat you.
•Focus: Let your loved one be at the centre of every plan you make.
N/B: If you have distorted names in your contacts, speak to strangers with coded language, offer secret financial help, visit or have hidden holidays, etc you might not be too free from emotional infidelity. You can relate with people but let your spouse be part of that relationship and if it’s a business contact, keep it at professional level. Doing what is right is not just to favour your spouse but you’ll be proud of yourself as a good example and the joy of living a clean life is nothing compared to the stress of telling bountiful lies to cover up dubious acts.