Knowing What Works For You

Knowing and doing what works for you in relationships is a potent key to success; people are different in every sense of the word and are expected to be treated so. The saying that ‘one man’s meat is another’s poison’ remains true.

In as much as learning from people increases one’s knowledge, trying to replicate what others do in their relationship could deliver some unexpected negative results sometimes.

Betty, a newly wed young lady opened up to her friend on the misunderstanding that was rocking her new home. Her friend, Liz, thought she was offering counsel by telling her to treat her husband the same way she handles hers.

She said: “Betty my friend, men are difficult people, so you need to handle them with very strong hands. The day my husband and I quarrelled and he refused to eat at home, I gave the remaining food to my sister and ensured he had nothing to eat for the next three days until he came begging as a child.

“After ignoring him enough, I sluggishly made a light cornmeal dish for him. Since then, he learnt his lessons and would never say no to my food no matter what happens. Why should you allow your husband to turn his back on your food? Deal with him once and for all and all that nonsense will stop.”

Poor and ignorant Betty went home and did as advised by her friend. The moment she got home, she tongue-lashed her husband for being such a heartless fellow by rejecting her food after all her effort. She vowed never to serve him food until he promised not to do such any more.

She got the surprise of her life as her husband was not moved by her threat, neither was he ready to settle matters with her; rather, he asked her to pack her things and move to her parents’ house, learn some manners and communicate her interest to remain his wife after three months. Things got really worse by the day and Betty regretted ever sharing her problems with Liz, not to mention heeding to  her advice.

One thing Betty never knew was the fact that we are brought up differently and our upbringing forms part of how we behave, react and relate to the world.

Her husband was brought up in a home where pampering preceded correction and children learnt through negotiation not bullying. This has come to be his way of life and even his workers know he’s the last person to harass a fly.

What was Betty thinking? Did she know how Liz’s husband was raised? Who knows; he would have grown up where bullying was the norm. After learning her lessons the hard way, no one told Betty to take it easy with her husband.

I’m sure words like “come and have your meal darling” “Don’t let our misunderstanding steal your appetite” “We can work this out dear.” Or if the man is given to jokes, things like “eat and gather some more strength for fight” could make him laugh and get going.

If someone is married to a difficult man and you want to copy her style on your gentleman husband; you might be heading for collision. People who do not have a mind of their own should not be thinking of marriage too soon.

Anyway, it is good to note that you cannot totally understand a person in a flash; it takes time to blend and flow reasonably well. If you avoid taking things to extreme while trying to understand each other, the damage might be far less than trying to establish a selfish point here and now.

Bob was happy to be with his wife who knew little about home keeping but depended on the domestic staff to get things done. She grew up to enjoy the services of house keepers and loved the idea that two of them waited on her daily.

The day his brother visited and saw it was the domestic staff that carried out house chores, he complained and asked Bob to send the help away. His brother tried to convince him they didn’t need any house help around. He said: “This is sheer waste of money, why don’t you ask your wife to get up and do something? Besides, having someone in your house is a great risk; they can even turn against your relationship.

Unfortunately, Bob did not remember to ask his brother what his wife does all day. Bob’s wife is a busy banker who works late and does Saturday banking most times, while his brother’s wife is home all day. How can you compare these two women for crying out loud?

Besides, Bob was a spoilt child who rendered no domestic help while his brother is the opposite. While Bob has no idea how to help around the home at all, his brother can easily assist, if his wife does not do what she needs to do.

If  you know your brother cannot do it, why do you leave your home to tell him how to run his family? You might be brothers but he does not have to do things your way; his wife is also different from yours.

Ranging from food to dressing, choice of children’s schools to social events, etc: friends and family are never tired of telling you what to do. They want you to lead a life that is far from your dream or simply just do things their own way.

No, it will not work that way. Let’s play down on what we think should be and allow others enjoy the privilege of being adult-the right to make a choice.