Aidy Thomas: Deal With Issues, Not The Person (1)

As long as there are different people coming together in relationships, there will always be issues. This might not necessarily be as a result of wickedness or stupidity of both or either party but a clear signal of human idiosyncrasy. People are as different from each other as their faces may be and even when they look incredibly alike or better still born as twin: their personalities drift as much as night and day.

Expecting to have a relationship where you think, act and react alike is nothing but a mirage. If there is a possibility of same character display, you may fall unto real boredom —you do not need to be the same to be happy.

Gone are the days where wrong counsel was given to innocent singles looking forward to getting married. “You have to marry someone you are compatible with”. Their idea of compatibility sounded like ‘If you love basket ball; marry someone with the same interest’ ‘Your spouse should be excited to go to pictures with you since you are given to cinema’ If he doesn’t eat what you eat; how then will you enjoy meals together? ‘Staying at home makes you happy so why would you dream of living with a social bloke?

Sincerely speaking, all of these sounded good and genuine but left a lot of people single for ever because some were not lucky enough to find matches of their personalities. Well there is a bit of sense that if you both have same interest; it’s a lot easier to pull along but on the other side, where is the excitement of exploring life if all you continue doing after marriage is what you have been doing since you were born.

Relationship is meant to add something to your life and expose you to new grounds. This why it is said that marriage is not for babies; a mature mind is one ready to accommodate things without mourning about their comfort.  I grew up with four brothers who love football to a fault but it was when I got married that I ever attempted watching a match from beginning to the end because my husband won’t give up many things for the game. Today, I can talk about which club is buying which player and for how much; which team plays entertaining game and which one just balloons, etc. Initially it was not so much fun to buy into another person’s thirst but with time, the bonding it delivers would make you ever ready to spend that special moment with him/her even when you can’t readily stand it on your own. Your focus moves from the activity to the fact that you are being there for a loved one.

These differences in thirst and likes could make relationship real hell for some people. Talking about differences in character, attitude and behaviour is a hard nut to crack. You can deny before people that you do rock it hard but the truth lies in your bosom because you can’t deceive yourself. You know exactly how difficult it is for you to agree on certain issues.

When little things are blown out of proportion by lovers, I always tell them there is a build up of emotional hurt in their relationship. If not, how do you explain that Frieda and John appear to be happily married but the day John’s younger sister came to spend a weekend with them, she unearthed what shocked her husband. The poor girl only asked if she could join them to go bowling and she went crazy with a riotous ‘NO’. Before her husband could ask what the matter was she went to recount how the entire family have at different times interrupted her privacy with the man she loved. Things that happened before they got married and those that followed afterwards all came to light.

This eventually landed at John’s court as a husband who cannot protect his wife. It was bad enough that she had accused his mother, sisters and brothers of being intruders in her love life and John was still battling to swallow that; now that the bullet has passed to him, how do you want him to react? Trying to calm Frieda down brought more criticisms and ultimately unhealthy comparison which John found very hard to handle and at the end of the day, the whole outing was ruined; anger ruled and insults took over.

Everyone has his/her weaknesses but pointing a torchlight at them every time there is a disagreement and making the other to feel incapable is nothing but personality attack. Learn to deal with the issues at hand and forget about what had passed. If he leaves his shoes in the living room; tell him you would love him to take it in to the proper place. There is no point reminding him he’s been doing that every time and that he has once left his vest as well. If her cooking failed your ‘tongue test’ at dinner; do you need to say that it tasted just like her mother’s dish you detested? If he had no money to buy gifts for Christmas because business was dull, you don’t need to be pointing at every new dress someone dangles before you or tell him what someone else bought for his wife for Christmas —you are crushing his ego. Your wife missing her colour match on your dinner date does not mean she should be compared with your secretary who has no other job than to search magazines for latest styles and shapes. If you need the clothes to be changed, say so politely without making her feel out of queue.

Dealing with your differences without destroying the ego of the your spouse is something you’ll learn over time as you allow unselfish love to guide your actions —see yourself always in the position of helping each other become the best. If you are secretly competing to measure up who is smarter, richer, finer, more intelligent; the battle will definitely have no end. Trying to subdue or outdo your lover is an unwise thing no one should be thinking of doing.

The truth is that sometimes it is extremely difficult to let certain hurt go easily. It might not be that you enjoy rehearsing them or would want to keep malice with the one you love but you’ve been so terribly hurt that each time the memory comes up, you feel the same anger and resentment you did the day it happened. Does this sound familiar? You need to give yourself time to heal and one of the ways you can heal fast is to concentrate on his/her good side and consider what happened as a mistake and distraction.

…to be continued.