Give It Another Chance

I’ve heard so many people say they would never ever do certain things that brought them hurt anymore. Sad to say is the fact that most of these things are ‘good’ things or gestures they extended to people but got paid with a bad coin.

Everyone has his own personal stories to tell about how nasty people have been to them at one point or the other. At a point, you wonder “Is it really worth it? Do I need to be nice to people at all?” But there you go again: if you know what is good and refuse to do so, it kills you slowly.

It is only one man that I have met in my whole life who said: “I’ve refused to learn the lesson of hurt.” You and I know it is good to learn lessons in life but when people say: “I’ve learnt my lessons”, most times what the really mean is “I’ll never be nice to anyone again. When people need help, I’ll ignore them. I won’t go out of my way to support/defend others again. When the man said he’s refused to learn his lessons, I asked what he’s trying to convey and he answered: “I’ll help people as much as I can but if they turn against me it’s their problem. I have so much joy when I help people so telling myself ‘I don’t want to help anymore is like saying I have no relevance in life anymore”

Linking it with ‘Giving it another chance’ is just like saying; don’t be tired of forgiving people and be ready to give another chance for love to attest itself. It might not be as easy but the truth about forgiveness remains that: you who forgives has more peace than the one who offended you.

Flexibility is what helps someone say “that’s fine” even when it’s not. You probably would have considered a couple of things and arrived at the conclusion of peace but those looking at the same situation from a distance without your understanding might be sticking out their judgment pen.

Here are certain things to do if you want to give your relationship another chance.

•Face the past objectively: This is one important thing we all fail to do most times. When what had happened is not placed on an open table, there are possibilities people might not have very clear view of it. Being able to talk freely about your pains presents you in a mature light. To be honest, sometimes you are hurt for the wrong reasons; the other party either meant something totally different or you got the wrong message based on your perception and things went wild.

•Accept your mistakes: Nothing hurts people in relationships close to being with a partner who feels he/she cannot make mistakes. Oh dear! This is hard; how can you assume to be correct in everything you do? I do say to people: “Men/women who present themselves as people who do not make mistakes are people who have very little self confidence”. They think no one will accept them if they accept to be inadequate in some areas of life. Give yourself a break; we are all humans.

•Convince yourself that others are allowed to make mistakes:

Expecting too much of others has always been dangerous for relationships. No matter how intelligent you think your spouse is, have it scored away somewhere that he/she is only a few seconds away from doing what you never expected. A friend of mine bounced into my house once; totally upset with her husband. As I tried to ask what the problem was she said he travelled out of the country and did not buy her any gift. As much as I would not support him for what happened, there are also a couple of things that would have made the poor guy not able to act as expected  —financial, lack of time, tight schedule, location of where he lodged, etc. I just told her not to expect too much of people no matter who they are; this has helped a lot of people to stay happy.

•Expressing your pains sometimes help:

This is not the same thing with rehearsing hurts. Pouring your heart either to someone you feel comfortable with or writing all out on paper and destroying later can be a life saver. The important thing here is the fact that you’ve let it out and it has a strong healing power.

•Go away for a while: I’ve found it so easy to say to couples who think they’ve reached their dead end to take a vacation. It gives you time to reflect on issues and reason out of the box. This also presents you with the opportunity to miss each other; you soon discover unique ways you complement each other.

•See it from your partner’s perspective:

Having a one-sided view of issues is dangerous and destructive. Remember that everyone believes his/her method of doing things is the best but come on! Learn to convince yourself others matter too. Sometimes you forget to accept that what you did was bad enough to hurt someone simply because you were not at the receiving end. If they come up to say ‘you hurt me’, why not apologise?

•Read:

Reading has remained my favourite way of seeking knowledge. Mere reading about what other people have gone through and how they managed to survive gives you the energy to move ahead; knowing others have passed through it before.

Sometimes, resorting to reading works well for people who are very reserved and private: they are too shy to open up to others on their challenges but the problem with written materials is that situations are not always exact and you cannot ask questions where there are doubts.

•Confide in an experienced fellow:

After all said and done but no success in sight, I’ll suggest you talk to someone who’s responsible enough and understands the rudiment of counselling: especially respecting your privacy and working with you to attain success.