So Much To Tell

Letters have come from different sources over the years –some demanding explanations to things happening in and around relationships, others simply; pouring out their heart about what they’ve been through. Once in a while, I take pains to share some of these experiences but with changed names and concealed identities.

People have actually written in to say how much those stories helped them in their situations: though they were not exactly the same, something somehow gave a positive connection. This is why this episode of LOVE & LIFE is dedicated to sharing heartfelt experiences (with permission) that can be of help to others.

There is no doubt that some cases might not apply to you at all but is there anything wrong in learning wisdom? Yes you could use it to help others and take credit as a wise one. Being true to ourselves would allow us accept that relationship problems are everywhere- you do not necessarily need to look for them.

Some stories might sound like ‘a prescription’ – as if they are telling you to adopt their method of handling problems while others come as endless cry or lamentation; this forum is just ‘a shoulder to cry on so try not to crucify anyone for their expressions of emotion. I was able to help some of them through whatever it was. To some, it was a happy ending while others went the other way —you cannot please everyone; can you? And I try not to take responsibility for people’s happiness by promising to fix it all for them. There is a limit you can help someone get through difficulty and that is only if they are willing.

Simon —real names changed— had so much to tell that he could not hide it any more. “I left my country in my early twenties and have only been there on holiday about twice. As much as I dreamt of marrying a woman who would understand and support my culture; I felt the responsibility to find her rested on my shoulder. Being well over thirty –as a matter of fact closer to forty than thirty, I’ve met a few babes and had a particular one I would like to settle down with for life.

When my mom called to say she was visiting for summer, I was glad and looked forward to introducing my girlfriend but there she appeared with a wife from my home-country and persuaded me they wanted to give me a surprise. My initial reactions were not too good as it would have been with anyone in my shoes but later on, I calmed down and decided to give it a go.

Mom felt really honoured by my understanding and things went pretty well during her one month stay. As soon as she left, the little damsel she brought turned into a pain in the neck. She found fault with everything I did; my dressing, hair, nails, dentition, looks etc. There’s no doubt she was far younger than me but if she was stupid enough to follow a risky tradition of marrying ‘a total stranger’ why would she make it an issue now that she’s been brought over to the Western world?

Well, life continued and the struggle protracted; it was as if a new morning should not arrive to meet me with this being but how do I betray my promise to mom? She had already told me getting to know each other might take time depending on who you are but hostility was never mentioned as part of the deal. When I couldn’t bear it anymore, I offered to buy her a ticket to return her to te sender but she blatantly refused.

I called in one of my friends to help me settle the matter. She would give him undivided attention each time he came around and foolish me! I thought she was taking in his advice but things became clearer as my friend started visiting at odd times when I would have gone to work. The next time I threatened to send her back home, she hurriedly gathered the little stuff I’ve been able to give within the six months ‘cat and dog relationship’ and demanded for money for the ticket.

I was shocked but there was not enough time to unravel the trigger of her decision; I needed to leave for work in five minutes. To my greatest surprise, I returned to meet an empty house and I rushed to narrate the experience to my dear friend but behold! There she was warming up in his living room and refusing to even notice my entry. My friend on the other hand claimed to be protecting her from my anger and later enthused she actually wanted to be with him and not me. I left them alone but my relationship with the guy and my parents turned sour.

With what I had gone through in the recent past, I wouldn’t miss her a bit but I was hurt for losing the girl I wanted to marry. How do I go back to someone who felt betrayed by my inability to say no to mom? Would she ever trust me again? What a shame! My parents felt terribly disappointed but of what use was it to me? The harm had already been done. I wish parents would allow their children to choose who they want to share their love with”.

Rose, wrote to express the emotional torture she went through with a man she thought was decent and disciplined. “Since the day I met Denis, he presented himself to be a gentleman to the core and what else could a lady ask for? He did things for me even before I could think of them. The fact that he had a few coins in his pocket was nice and he deliberately put me in an advantaged position of getting the good things of life. When he proposed to marry me, the decision was quite easy and positive at that.

During courtship, he had clearly told me we would not be intimate till after our wedding and I took it to be due to great respect for me. While away on honeymoon, things didn’t change much and I wondered what made him not attracted to his bride at all; it was totally strange. I made a few moves but they all met a brick wall: I was forced to ask what the matter was and he broke down in a helpless sob, “I have never had an erection since I was born; I just can’t do it”. For once I wondered; how terrible? Why didn’t he say this from the onset? The goodies I had enjoyed so far hung on my neck and I had grown so close to him even without sex and now was the time to declare my stand —difficult, isn’t it?

He begged me not to say this to anyone but how I’m I going to cope with this for the rest of my life? He wouldn’t really mind a secret affair with someone distant but for crying out loud – this is total nonsense and my integrity/religious belief forbids such. Here I am; deceived, trapped and frustrated. I support the idea of abstaining from intimacy before marriage but he had problems with sincerity. What a life?”