12th April, 2013
It’s good to know that the job of making relationships work depend principally on the people involved. Sometimes, folks are quick to refer to certain relationships as being ‘made from heaven’ but I still do not see how that happens; wherever yours is made, if you don’t handle it properly: it will be as bad as it can.
Following our last discuss, other things you can do to help relationships grow include:
Shrink your expectations: There is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming big and expecting the best of your loved one but what happens if it does not happen as planned? Shrinking your expectations has nothing to do with myopic reasoning; it’s a way of telling yourself that your happiness does not depend solely on others. Putting so much expectation on others exposes you to unnecessary heart ache and depression.
I had the chance of listening to a woman who said she was neglected by her husband. She lamented “He comes from work without buying me any snacks for the evening, he leaves in the morning without giving me a hug, he forgets to take me out on important occasions, etc.
Since the beginning of this relationship; I have told him my shoe size more than a hundred times and he never seems to get my dress size right as my weight fluctuates. It hurts me so much to be reminding him yearly of my mom’s birthday and he spends his money on things I cannot explain”. Complain, super complain; that’s all you hear from this lady. When she told me how pained she was, my reply was ‘Try and let certain things go; you are simply expecting too much of him’.
If other people were to test you with the same measure you are using for your spouse, would you pass the test? I don’t mean to say that you are not entitled to some things as a partner in love but rooting your life on some other person’s actions is a bit too risky for comfort.
Expecting so much of your spouse makes you a very vulnerable partner. This is where hurts come- when expectations are not met. As an adult, learn to fill the gap in your life with meaningful things; get a life for yourself and assume responsibility for what gives you happiness. Do not wait for others to always make your day; decide to be good to yourself.
Be the giver: I don’t know about other people but giving gives me so much joy that I have made it part of my daily routine. Every day, I think of what to give someone. It does not necessarily have to be something massive: a bar of chocolate extended to your colleague’s desk could mean a lot, getting things for people when you go on holiday tells them you are not only thinking of yourself, asking to pick up some bills at the end of the month will definitely send a message to your spouse that you are not in the relationship for what you can get.
When you ask others about how you can meet their need, it places you in a position of responsibility. It’s said that “the hand that gives stays on top”. Givers derive joy partly from the satisfaction of others and the expression of gratitude —that is if they remember to say thank you. Whether they express appreciation or not, real givers live on but it’s good to appreciate.
I will not forget to say that people give for the wrong reasons too. So many partners give for the purpose of manipulation. Using your gifts to control and make people do what you want or turn you to an object of worship is nothing but witchcraft. Let people love you for who you are not just for what you are.
Enjoy yourself: It will be a waste of time to think life can only be good when people are around you. Being happy in a relationship starts with you being happy with yourself – exercise, make new friends, attend social events and reach out to family members. If you do not love the very fact of your existence how are you going to make others happy? Yes! Relationships flash togetherness and sharing life with others but the quality of life you share depends on what you’ve got on the inside. Finding time to be ‘you’ gives you the strength to be there for others. I have learnt to outline and enjoy the things that make me happy; sometimes, they are peculiar to me. I purposely create ‘me times’ to reflect and do the things I value. Most people are achievers today because they have learnt the secret of spending quality time with themselves. Apart from this being a sign that you are comfortable to be you, it releases an inner energy that opens your thought and imagination to greater levels.
It is sometimes good to be sincere by telling people that confident, purposeful adults do not always need to be with others before they can be happy. Validation may be a good spice in a relationship but if your life depends on it, danger is on the way. This is not only a sign of immaturity but a sign that you do not know who you are.
Shun boredom: When I hear people complain of boredom whether because they are out of jobs or have to be in certain places where they cannot do their regular chores, one thing I say to them is “You are not bored because you are jobless but you are bored because you have no vision for your life”
When you are a busy mind, you will not have time to follow trivialities in your relationship. An idle mind; they say is the devil’s workshop. Boredom turns you into an accuser and fault-finder. You are constantly waiting for the one who went out to work to return so you can pour your frustration on him/her.
Let your day be full of life; explore yourself, mind, talents, interest, etc. If properly done, you’ll never have enough time to implement your thought. Others may include; reading to gather information, sharing your frustration with someone you trust, talking to your spouse about your challenges, taking a holiday, discussing how to practically make your relationship better, etc.