26th April, 2013
Telling the truth in relationship should be a thing of prime priority but unfortunately, for reasons best known to them, couples engage in dissembling and lies which turn out to hurt the union in the long run.
I have tried to find out why on earth a partner would want to lie or deceive the other and came up with different opinions but I still maintain my position that nothing is worth lying about or giving misleading answers/impression.
There is no doubt that sometimes you simply do not want to hurt the other party by saying it the way it really is so you add and subtract a little from here and there. On the other hand, you would have found yourself in a big mess that no one would ever believe you did and in a bit to hide your shame, the real story is tampered with. Do people realise lies have a short life span? No matter how smart you are, somewhere along the line, your guards would be down and the truth surfaces.
The hurt you cause your loved one when lies are uncovered could be as devastating as poison. In reality, some have lost seemingly blooming relationships just because what was discovered later seems to be contradicting the earlier impression given. When it gets to this point, danger signs are already beaming and if the relationship survives, trust becomes an outstanding issue.
I was opportune to mediate in a case between Bisi and Kole. They are both young and hard working couple who had given their time to their career and did all within capacity to maintain same. Kole had developed so much respect for Bisi just for the way she grew in her banking career-heads turned where ever she was mentioned and others wondered the magic behind her rapid and astonishing promotions.
‘Hard work’ was her ready answer to everyone who ever cared to ask how she made it at work. Two years into the marriage, Kole wondered why luck had not smiled at them in the area of children and naturally began to seek help (both medically and spiritually) when Bisi noticed her hubby’s concern in the matter, she spoke to her friend who knew so well what she was going through. In their frustration, Bisi decided to fake a pregnancy.
As tension was beginning to mount, it was real good news for Kole to come back from work on a Friday night to hear his darling wife whisper ‘I am pregnant’ to his ears. Overtaken by excitement, he started right away to make plans for the house to be changed and new things to fall into place in anticipation of the baby. Though it was not easy for Bisi, she had to try and force herself into the moods of a pregnant woman (but how long can you pretend) by the third month, Kole was making arrangement for her to see the doctor for antenatal and suddenly, she announced the pregnancy got terminated.
When Kole told one or two people, they encouraged him to move; after all it was a common practice for first pregnancies to abort. This unlucky incident was said to have occurred the second time and Kole got really upset and tired of the whole stuff but because he loved his wife, there was no way he could contemplate something funny behind her.
Unknown to Bisi, her husband was so worried about the whole thing that he could hardly concentrate at work that morning, he decided to get home and see how the wife was doing on the sick bed but when he got there, he could not believe what he heard his wife discuss with her friend (Blossom) then he realized all these stories of abortion was a set up. He then got to know he was married to a woman who lived under the influence of her boss who threatened to sack her if she dared got pregnant.
Yes, it is true Bisi was dating her boss before she got married but was that enough reason for him to jeopardize her life? He first told Bisi not to dream of getting married but when she got extremely worried and anxious, he grudgingly allowed her on the condition that the wedding would take place in Ibadan. She agreed and so was it. After the wedding her boss threatened to relieve her of her job anytime she got pregnant. Although she had stopped dating him, he poured his venom on her each day she went to work.
Soon it showed on Bisi that all was not well but people just assumed she might have entered the way of motherhood. On one or two occasions, Kole met his wife in bad moods and when he tried to investigate, she went totally cold. He assumed it was something she could handle as an experienced woman but little did he know it had to do with their marriage.
Would you blame Bisi for not telling her husband what she was facing at work? Would it have helped her in any way? I think so, I’m not saying she should give details of the past but she would have confided in her husband that she was no longer comfortable at work. Kole I’m sure would have looked for a way to solve this problem and continue with his family life.
This leads us to ask why couples lie or hide the truth from each other…
• Fear of loosing the relationship. Marriage is not a do or die affair, it is better not to marry than marry in deceit. Tell the truth and if your spouse still wants to hang out with you, fine but if not, move and live your life.
• Culprits believe their sins would always be covered. No, this is not true. Your partner can get to know the truth about you escapades even from unsolicited sources. It is more honourable to do it yourself.