10th May, 2013
In a society as clumsy and chaotic as ours, one can still catch up with good times in relationships if that really matters to you. The days of courtship/dating saw many promises of love, happiness, anxiety and generally just looking forward to the institution of marriage. It was nice to dream of lovely kids smiling on the backseat of your car and basking in the joy of being part of a good home.
The more you thought of these things the more you wanted to get into matrimony and live your dreams. Having your own man/woman all to yourself was like a fairytale yet the excitement made you believe it was real after all.
The cuddles you’ll give and receive meant so much to you; the thought of spending time with the one you love blew butterflies in your abdomen. Anyone who mentioned the word ‘wait’ would automatically become your enemy. You wanted it like yesterday.
Unfortunately for most relationships, all those dreams, wishes and desire evaporate too soon you won’t believe they were ever part of you. To some, things actually go the way they planned-good luck.
Others wonder if they were still with the same person who promised them ‘heaven on earth’- great revelations. In as much as we know that people can pretend to be nice and wonderful just to get what they want and display true colours later on: there is a possibility that circumstances could have played a significant role in the situation.
People tend to behave differently under pressure; if he was taking you out every Friday night for a ‘cool moment’ then along the line he lost his job and could not do that anymore, the feeling of being a failure is enough to drive him crazy- he sees every little thing in the light or ‘darkness’ of the situation. Once wrong perception and interpretation sets in, the journey down hill begins.
It will take a firm and conscious decision/action to get things back on track and these are some of what you can do to make them feel celebrated….
Clear communication
This is not synonymous with ceaseless talking. The idea of communication is passing information correctly; limiting it to only verbal expressions would cripple a whole lot of things.
When you hoard information, your spouse is tempted to think you have something to hide that might not be in their best interest. Sharing information on the other hand tells a person how much you value and respect them- you are simply sharing your lives. If he/she feels loved, you’ll get more love in return.
Work and walk together
When it comes to things like learning how to drive from your spouse; you need grace not to be torn apart. A lady in California said “we leave the house smiling but come back not talking to each other for the rest of the night. He’ll yell at me with every opportunity and corrects me even when I’m not wrong; what a terrible teacher Don is”.
She did not believe what I answered; if he’s a terrible teacher but a wonderful husband why don’t you manage the little ‘teaching time’ and enjoy the rest of him as a sweet husband. That aside- a joke! Doing things like gardening, creative writing, music and even highly professional jobs may unravel great insight to a total new intelligent spouse you never knew. Taking long walks together- hand-in-hand develops a warm feeling of togetherness and unity that reflect through your day- being seen together encourages you in a way to stay on.
Re-live your romantic days
I’m tempted to believe most relationships begin with great romance that disappears into thin air without a vivid explanation; some gradually, others fly with one big sting of infidelity, rudeness, irresponsibility, selfishness, etc.
Reminiscing how sweet your start was keeps you desiring to remain in that atmosphere despite life’s challenges. Sometimes, visiting old ‘romance spots’ could bring the spark so easily or simply talking about how you used to submerge in each other’s love may take you where you can’t explain to anyone. Simple acts of love tend to be overtaken by the demands of daily living but having a second thought of what you stand to gain when romance is high is enough to keep the fire burning.
Build a memory bank
Have you ever felt lost when you accompanied your spouse to their family home and all the stories about growing up began to flow? You’ll definitely feel a bit out of place and at other times it can be intriguing to hear of how mischievous ‘little Sam’ or ‘petite Emily’ used to behave.
Having this past information about each other can be so funny you’ll want to keep at it. Knowing a little bit more about your spouse’s family can also help you understand the person you are in love with and learn how to tolerate them better.
Share your past-if necessary and grow into your dream future together. Care should be taken over the kind of things to share but if there is a possibility of your spouse using the information to ridicule you or make sarcastic comments please think again before falling victim. Do not let your good intent turn against you.
Pictures for life
Technology has made life a lot easier these days that even when printed pictures are damaged, backups on computer, memory sticks, camera, face book, etc can always be recalled. Seeing pictures of your holiday and time spent together in different ways remind you to stay connected. How I loved the old black and white picture of my parents holding hands in Victorian clothes; it tells me they have come a long way and I respect them for keeping to their vows.
When a young bride took a photo of her parent’s wedding day to place in her home, her husband thought she was immature until the day they had a serious quarrel and the wife pointed to the picture and said “I’m still here because my mother stayed in her marriage: that is what that picture preaches to me everyday-‘follow your mother’s foot steps’, if she could, you can”. The man was not only amazed but also humbled at what great lessons and inspiration we could leave for our children- Bless her!
Mentor someone
Having the consciousness that someone somewhere is looking up to you makes you not want to disappoint them or be a failure. You’ll constantly be shopping for new ideas that’ll make you appear exciting and happy to them.
By trying to be a good example you end up being your spouse’s ‘DELIGHT’. Suffocate boredom by trying out new meaningful ideas: make each other feel really needed and part of you- a great time awaits you.