17th May, 2013
This is something I have been thinking of handling for quite a while but needed to naturally get into it. By using the word ‘naturally’ I mean “Being sure people really wanted to read about it”. Mails, private discuss and anonymous questions have all revealed the ‘heat’.
The word ‘sex’ on its own is treated as sacred; people aren’t very open to talk about it and when used carelessly by young ones is an indication of being corrupt.
Growing up with this mentality has made addressing sexual issues in relationships even as adult almost a ‘taboo’. Whether we like to talk about it or not has nothing to do with the problem itself; it doesn’t make it go away or get better.
That is why, taking the bull by the horn, talking about it might bring some level of relief to many. People would rather suffer in silence, cry in their closet or be buried in sighs of hurt all night just to show up as ‘happily married’ during the day to other people. This is kept and owned as ‘private battle’ but for how long?
Great shame is associated with rejection generally and now that it’s coming from someone that has not only promised but also ‘VOWED’ to be intimate with you thru life: how humiliating can it be?
The world is used to the man as the ‘chaser’ and the woman at the receiving end – this is the traditional love making queue. A man is the hunter with loads of energy and determination to catch and savour. This in a way boosts his masculine pride; telling him the world is at his foot. When the table turns and he’s no more interested in chasing, his wife gets totally confused and feels REJECTED in every sense of the word: it is a terrible place to be in marriage, the pain bites so deep and it affects other areas of your life.
A mother of four once said to me: “Initially I thought it was my weight that put him off so I practically lived at the gym, starved myself to a size zero yet nothing changed. He doesn’t even hide from me that other babes are on the line. You can see it all over him that he’s having the time of his life”.
This excruciating and devastating condition gets even worse each time you see other couples holding hands or just stealing romantic looks at each other- you can’t but ask what wrong you have committed to be totally rejected by yours.
If sex for you is a ‘validating tool’, this era of life will be very difficult for you to bear. If your husband’s attraction to you authenticates you, finding other things to fill up this period might be challenging and ‘slow’. You can’t but think; is there something wrong with me? Are other women better than me? Have I changed from the same person that made his head spin? Is someone/something behind my woe?
The questions are endless. The process of finding fault with ‘you’ rips you of self esteem and makes you feel like a-good –for-nothing old brat who is merely managed by her ‘supreme’ boss.
The most painful thing is that women in this situation would hardly remember to think they might not be the cause of the problem at all. The temptation to condemn self is so high and irresistible that they naturally begin to weigh life in relation to what has not been properly done- dressing, respect for the man, support, care, love, etc.
In as much as it is good to check on self to determine if the fault is yours; it would be helpful to understand that some wicked spouses- both male and female- use sex as a manipulative tool. They say; “if he/she does this, they have me fully in bed but if not, my body I keep.”
Whoever withholds sex to exchange for something is cruel. To some, it is a clear sign that “I am no longer interested in this relationship” but for crying out loud, this is a coward’s approach to crisis. Why can’t you face your problems and deal with them; stop being funny.
It might be shocking to hear that some of these rejections are not really rejections but ‘MASK’. A man in his typical nature will not want to openly accept defeat even before his darling wife. Several things may cause him not to want sexual intimacy but saying it might mean weakness to him so he hides under the mask of “I’m not interested.”
Some of these things could be….
•Tiredness: When a man is tired, the show is going to be ‘bad’ so instead of making a mess of himself, he’ll rather decline with pride. He values his performance so much that even when there is no third party waiting to applaud or condemn him, failure is the last thing he will want to experience.
•Timing: A home maker wife who waits all day for her husband’s return will find it hard to believe that he needs some time to recuperate. Being on a stressful job can very easily make nonsense of your evening even with a charming wife willing to give her best.
Instead of early evening ‘play’, catching up with the morning hue might work wonders for some. Experts have also said that the production of testosterone is higher in the morning thus helping the man to be at his best.
•Medication: Certain medications hamper a man’s performance which he might not even know about.
•Medical conditions: There are a thousand and one medical conditions like obesity, impotence, joint/muscles disorder, etc that can make a man feel less than usual. But if diagnosed; treatments also abound.
•Flirting: Men who look out for other women sometimes tend to forget or totally abandon the one at home. After eating ‘junk’ outside; he cannot be bothered to check out what the home front holds for the night- what cruelty!
•Challenges: It’s good to note that when a man is stressed, his desire for sex is suppressed. Be it a difficult time at work, financial pressure, loss of a loved one or any other thing important to him is capable of drowning his drive.
•Attitude: Attitude they say ‘is everything’. If you’ve been having problems generally in the relationship, it would be a bit out of place to expect sex to be working optimally. Your attitude toward him goes a long way to determine if he’ll want to be intimate with you or not. Does he feel respected? Do you talk to him as ‘the man of the house?
•You: If you do not look attractive and smell fresh sex might not interest him. Men love to see good stuff; give it to them but if after all you’ve done he’s still not turned on, be patient and concentrate on other things.