7th June, 2013
Basking in the fantasy land of love and romance would naturally make someone forget that their newly found ‘love’ is human and capable of manifesting tendencies to that effect. Years ago, I can remember listening to a young bride enthuse about her hubby; “I wonder if my husband is human or an angel walking the face of the earth in human clothing”. This pierced my ear because I knew it was an overambitious declaration which only exposed her inexperience in relationships. Just eighteen months down the line, she was contemplating divorce but thank God they are still together and getting better each day.
Weaknesses are not usually the first thing to look for when starting new relationships; it would kind of make someone sound suspicious or apprehensive if they get to ask about your weaknesses too soon. Putting it away for later times often brings surprises and heartbreak almost unbearable for either one or both partners.
Being optimistic about your relationship and expecting the best out of it (even though it might not happen) is a good gesture that can actually keep you striving to see that good day come to pass; you keep holding on for that change and bliss to surface. Most times you wonder why people are hanging in with abusive spouses or people who do not match their ideology of love- the answer is ‘expectation’; something tells them it would be better if they persist or they would come to a compromise some day and sincerely speaking, it works in most cases and it’s one reason many are still with their spouses till date despite what family and friends have said and done.
Having said that, everyone should be smart enough to know that no matter how nice their loved ones may be, they are still going to be things they’ll do that will appear a bit unkind or rude to them. This might not be primarily to offend or upset anyone but just how they are.
People naturally deny the fact that they are weak in some areas. Denying weaknesses is something that has caused so many problems in relationships- they want to be seen as refined polished, well mannered, well raised beings heading only for success and great heights. But is that who they really are? Not sure! It’s good to know that denying your weaknesses make you appear weaker while accepting and working on them make you stronger.
Some weaknesses are destructive and cruel you cannot even imagine why someone would want to put up with such while others are occasional slips which although annoying can be sorted in the course of the union. Things like; ‘He throws his shoes around whenever he’s back from work’, ‘She sleeps longer than usual’ ‘He forgets things that are important to me’ ‘She loves to shop the earth’, etc, are little (though they can sometimes escalate or be blown out of proportion) things to expect when two different souls try to tie in love.
Surprisingly, what we call weakness can sometimes pass for differences- I personally adopted this approach to help me get along with my hubby: instead of seeing his weaknesses, I turned them to our differences and it has helped me a great deal to stay calm and grow in the relationship. I always remind him “We are different people; we don’t need to be same to love or enjoy each other”. With that, I learnt how to let him enjoy his kind of recreation friends, sports, food, clothes and places to visit.
On the other hand, destructive weaknesses are those we should identify from as far as a million miles and decide what to do with them before we are ‘gone too soon’. This does not imply we hold out ‘red cards’ to people with this challenging behaviour without giving them a chance to change.
•Uncontrolled anger: Everyone gets angry at one point or the other even with the ones they love and cherish so much. A person with destructive anger is not likely to pull the gun in your first disagreement. They start by breaking things like TV, car screen, throwing sharp object at you, kicking dogs or cats on their way, reaching for your neck to squeeze, attempting to pour you hot water or acid, etc.
If your spouse does things that look like these; they need to be counselled- they really need help because if he/she doesn’t hurt you, some other person might fall victim and having a spouse with a criminal record is not something anyone desires. What would make a man/woman kill their lover over an argument?
•Infidelity: The problem of infidelity is really a hard one; its causes are so many you cannot ‘shoot with a single bullet’. Different people have different excuses for looking out for emotional satisfaction but whatever the case, you should know that there is no place in your marriage vows that permitted you sharing your body with any other person apart from the one you are legally involved. Be it personal satisfaction or social pressure, infidelity has no justification at all- once you are in, remain faithful.
Everyone can name the dangers of infidelity ranging from diseases to disgrace, exposure to all sort of dangers and shame both to you, your spouse, friends and family. It’s better not to marry than marry but flirt around. Do you want to know how destructive infidelity can be? Try telling a man/woman that you are intimate with their spouse and see the way it will end up- disastrous! Even a flirting spouse doesn’t want anyone else to touch theirs. What an irony!
•Drugs and Drinks: Has anyone been there? This is absolutely dangerous. It does not only affect the relationship but whoever is involved just starts to waste off like ash. You know sometimes I cannot tell why people should indulge in things that have been clearly declared to be ‘dangerous to health’ or can even kill. If your spouse is into drinking and use of drugs, how can you enjoy his sanity? Where there is plenty of drugs and drink, abuse is inevitable. When people are ‘high’ on something, you can hardly predict what they can do or say- they tend to see life in opposite direction; or how else would you describe a man/woman that spent the whole day at the pub and ended up in another fellow’s bedroom while the spouse is at home waiting endlessly for their return? Seek help as soon as practicable.
•Gambling: Is your spouse addicted to gambling? Grasp your bank cards and documents now or you’ll wake up hungry or without shelter some day. When people start gambling, it’s a matter of time before they go into serious borrowing. Many have been destroyed by dreaming of the ‘big win’ that never happened. Learn to invest and save instead of expecting a windfall from nowhere.
•Others: Use of bad language, negligence, pride, laziness, lies, etc. Knowing which weakness is destructive or likely to be in your relationship is a function of who you are and who you are dealing with. What matters most is your ability to spot the danger and seek help early. Everyone has the ability to change and be a loving spouse but they need to give change a chance to rock their world.