Nigerian Undergrads, The Saddest People On Earth

By Boris C. Nwachukwu

Recent reports have it that Nigerians are the saddest people on earth. Practically, if you doubt it, walk down your street, close to the garbage dump site. Recent investigation conducted by my humble self also has it that Nigerian undergraduates are the saddest of all beings. If you doubt it, just read on.

It used to be an ecstatic experience when one learns that he/she has finally gained admission into the nation’s higher institution.  Now, it is a bitter-sweet cup of poison you must take. The sweetness comes from the fact that one would no longer pay the Joint Admission and Matriculation Board their yearly stipend of N6,000. The mockeries of one’s secondary school mates who are now in higher institutions (Ghana of course) would be reduced but little jeers will definitely come when the standard of living is being discussed. Also, the daily ‘you eat too much’ as for the guys and ’stop preening yourself in front of the mirror’ as for the ladies prior to gaining admission by one’s parents are over! What a relief. The sadness comes when one sees the school bills for a first year. It peaks over N.1 million in most public universities!

After gaining admission and paying the school fees, cultism, accommodation, lecturers and strikes make life truly unbearable. Cultism is thriving in our nation’s tertiary institution. The nation’s tertiary institution provides the most auspicious environment for its growth. Rape, armed robbery, maiming and murder are professionally carried out by their members with impunity. Sometimes, I wonder if the constitution which gave some government officials immunity and impunity also gave these cultists the same rights. May I not dwell much on cultism:  if I do, you might want to withdraw your wards from the university! It is more terrible now than in your days! Accommodation is now a thing of prestige. The cost of a self-contained apartment close to school can cost as much as 1/4th of a million (if you doubt it, visit Unilag). This is the gospel truth. The hostels are now allocated based on connection and luck in some schools. How will one pay for accommodation when one hasn’t eaten? Feeding is now an experience only the most privileged enjoy. Everywhere a tertiary institution is built, the prices of foodstuffs skyrocket far higher than that in other developed towns in that state. Hence the almighty algorithm for feeding applied by many students is either the 0-0-1; 0-1-0; 1-0-0. Where 0 means no meal to eat and 1 means there’s a meal. I can tell you categorically that the 2nd formula is the best because I have applied it for four years running now and I haven’t got ulcer yet. As if these woes aren’t enough, lecturers bring a sizeable quantity whenever their conscience goads them to come to class (some don’t even have conscience).

“My handout costs N2500. If you like buy, if you like don’t buy. It is not compulsory but it is necessary as the list for my C.A & exams comes from the compilation of the names that bought the book. Purchases can be made in my office only!. That is all for today. Read up the handouts,’’ they pedagogically trumpet. Most of these handouts aren’t up to a 50-page A4-paper size booklet. Female students are their greatest victims. I won’t pen down their lamentations.  They are now at home (courtesy ASUU vs FG play-offs). Ask them.

Strike! I loathe that word! Anytime FG and ASUU fight, they use the future of Nigerian students as their incessant battle. In as much a I don’t blame ASUU for these hullabaloo, they readily forget that the FG is a beast which doesn’t have a HEART and cannot bleed (they are wolverines!) We have got so used to the strikes that we consider it as part of our school fees. The negative effect of this strike is that Boko Haram’s recruits this period will include these undergraduates on strike. Street and community cults and fights will find new disciples. If you doubt, go to the streets of inner-city Port Harcourt. All forms of social-vices will increase. For we know that the devil finds tool for anyone who downs tool! Who knows what the devil has given to your neighbour’s son who is an undergraduate? As for me, he gave me this pen; perhaps, I should have been consuming volumes of medical texts if there were no strikes. The FG is annoying. Their actions and inactions show that they hate students. Don’t worry; we will one day make laws to see that their grand children don’t travel outside the country for anything! This will be the first bill I will sponsor when I get there. Let’s forget the FG for now!

Meanwhile, in Nigeria, one is not considered a ‘full’ graduate until one serves in the NYSC. Boko Haram will kill some of us (students), some will be abducted, and some will be killed in electoral violence and road accidents. These are real! For all our pains, government will consider their monthly stipends to corpers as a greater service compared to that we (students) do at places of our primary assignment!

Yes! After graduating, your family look up  to you. But they are aware of the harsh Nigerian economy!

Lastly, still of great pain is the throes of losing one of our own, whether kith and kin or not. The number of students being wantonly lynched is getting uncountable. The probability of a student being lynched is higher than the probability of killing a mosquito! Evidence stems from the gruesome lynching of our colleagues- Aluu 4: Ugonna Obuzor, Tekena Erikene, Toku Mike and Binnga Lordson, all of UNIPORT, the recent Badagry incident involving Kazeem and Ifechukwude Nwainkpor of DELSU, and countless of others which passive accomplice failed to record and post on youtube. This can be described as: TECHNOLOGICALLY SOPHISTICATED ANNIMALISM! Please pray for your ward daily if he/she is a student. The saying “my mum’s prayers keep me going” is indeed true.

From these, you’d acquiesce to this:  if you aren’t a Nigerian undergraduate, you are indeed enjoying life! These highlighted reasons  are indeed FACTUAL, real  and understated! For anyone to write on the woes of the Nigerian undergraduates, I am sure the sheets would BLEED!

•Nwachukwu, a student of the University of Port Harcourt wrote from Rivers State. E-mail: [email protected]