30th August, 2013
When you tell someone not to do a particular thing and fail to point them to what to do instead, you have only succeeded in cautioning without remedy.
There was a day our boys really got active and the whole house was high. My husband felt they were beginning to get out of hand; I can’t explain where the flame originated. I remained calm while he tried to put them in order but as I saw the frustration on his face I whispered to him, “They cannot stop being excited on a Saturday morning with both parents at home. It’s either you take them out to play tennis as usual or engage them in school work; they need to do something, that energy needs to be channelled somewhere.” Once he brought their books, the atmosphere settled. It worked so well.
In this case, if we say it’s not good to despise your spouse: so what’s next. What should be done instead and how?
Asking anyone to own up whether they despise their partner might be a little too private; we’ll just go ahead and highlight the weapons to apply whenever the temptation arises. Self talk, caution, discipline, tolerance, etc are some of the words to remember if you want to esteem your loved one. It must primarily be your decision to hold him/her in honour.
Things to note:
Deciding not to despise your spouse has nothing to do with perfection. It’s easy to think if all works well, all will be well. Where? In this life? Stop deceiving yourself. People can be nice and lovely but don’t be over ambitious by asking for a flawless fellow. This does not mean you should lick all the mess in town because life provides for human error but deal with every weakness in integrity.
Your temperament may not change suddenly. Same things will still irritate you but handling anger with wisdom can save lives. Think of other things to do when the feeling or negative emotion sets in. Distract yourself maturely and let the odd moment pass.
Circumstances might remain the same. It’s funny to hear folks say their relationship will get better if things around them improve. The true test of love is when you are able to stand there for each other as a shoulder to cry on in difficult times. Good times bring relief and we all love it but a friend in need will always remain a friend indeed. Try to show love and support the way you can.
Everyone does not need to agree with you. There are times in relationships when it’s like you are the only voice crying in the wilderness. Your friends and family cannot understand why you are still there and taking the ‘shit’. You might owe them some explanations but you owe yourself the joy of fulfilment. They don’t know what you see in her/him and they can never imagine the bond. This should be carefully differentiated from infatuation; the moment you start to feel your life depends on a particular relationship, watch it. Parents can save you years of tears and regret but listen with discernment. There’s no need to be desperate about anything; weigh opinions and choose what is best for you bearing in mind the consequences.
Way Out
Be humble: Despising others starts from a proud disposition. What makes you feel you are better than your partner? People who are truly humble respect others for who they are. Humble people have no time to rub in their success only to make you feel bad.
Shun competition: In every competition, there’s a winner and a loser. Sometimes the winner feels strong and qualified while the loser feels down and turns aggressive. Is this healthy for love?
Mind you people only compete with opponents; are you a friend or opponent of your spouse? If you are in the same camp, there’s definitely no need to bully each other- work towards a common goal.
The first time I was introduced to female football, I spent almost half an hour chasing my team mates to collect the ball: the coach pulled me out when he got really frustrated and made it clear I was supposed to pass ball to my team mates and not the other way round. lol.
Curb your desire: Don’t expect too much of people and life itself as a whole. Teach yourself the hard lesson- No one gets everything in life. Be content with what you have. There is no harm in aspiring to be greater but run away from obsession that will make you despise the little one that you’ve got.
Choose your words: Your mouth remains the widest window to your heart. The things you say could easily give you away and tell your loved one how much you value them.
Believe in time: There’s no situation in life that will remain forever. If your relationship is going through trying times today, just give it some time; you’ll be surprised at it.
Be positive minded: Talk good, act good and expect good to come out of all you do.