1st November, 2013
It’s so much fun to have your life interwoven with another person in a close tie called relationship/marriage. Dreaming and desiring to love and be loved is an integral part of human development.
First we are faced with the battles of convincing ourselves that the feelings of love is alright and acceptable to people of a particular age bracket. Sometimes you mistakenly or ignorantly take it too far thinking something is terribly wrong with the way you feel towards the opposite sex. Having crushes have left many in self condemnation and emotional failure.
Yes, the feeling is natural and will always be there; you can either move it to the next level of building a relationship or simply suffocate it where it was. I was once asked if married couples ever face the temptation of being attracted to other people other than their spouses. It might sound silly because we hear and witness cases of adultery, infidelity and betrayal every now and then but I think what this person really wanted to know was to be sure if marriage was a way out for flirts. Unfortunately, people still flirt even with their spouses sitting or standing right next to them. Those eyes still wonder far and pierce through places beyond the physical realm; the mind makes images and imaginations of pleasure that may never materialise.
It will always remain your responsibility to keep your emotions under control and be contented with what you have got. You know, one lesson I’ve learnt in life and try to pass it to my loved ones is the fact that you can never have everything in life, otherwise you’ll become a dumping ground. There will always be beautiful women around and cute guys will forever walk down the road. Be strong enough to accept that they look good but are not for you if you have already gotten one or it is obvious they have given their love to someone else. There is no need to live in denial saying; “My spouse is the most beautiful or most handsome”. Why? You do not need to sing this! He/she is beautiful and good enough for you: that was why you got together in the first place so spare us the lies that you have never seen anyone else as lovely. It will be more honourable to say “I am COMMITTED to my spouse and will have the best of times together”. Forget that beauty and looks stuff; we all know the truth. We are faithful to our loved ones because we have promised to keep to them and love them only till death do us part and there is nothing greater than this commitment. The ability to stand by your choice is great evidence of maturity, discipline and self-control.
Let’s consider a few things that can help in relationships:
•Love And Value Yourself: Charity they say begins at home and you’ve only been told to love your neighbour as yourself and not more than yourself. A sense of self worth goes a long way to help you appreciate the ‘you’ that is within and outside. If the outward appearance is not great; draw strength from great personality and grace deposited inside. Work on things you can improve and find a reason to be happy. Nobody wants to take up the job of making you HAPPY; that job vacancy has to be filled by you alone. There is a way you treat yourself that your spouse will have no option than to respect you. I listened to a famous speaker recently who had come through a life of self deprivation. She believed the good things of life were unnecessary luxury but her husband helped her understand she should go for what she desires if she could afford it. Happy people are a lot easier to work with than grumpy, bitter souls who feel life has not favoured them in any way. If you do not sincerely love yourself; it will be difficult to freely give love to others without feeling deprived, drained and exasperated.
•Don’t Be Prescriptive: I’ve never wanted to be a mum or baby to my husband. A mum/dad tells you what to do, how to do and when to do it. A baby clings to you and depends on you for everything. Neither parent nor baby approach is healthy for a successful relationship. It’s just nice to be an adult that he/she met and know that you both consented to be responsible. I don’t want to be at the centre of every decision; be free to take decisions and discuss with me to check if that’s fine or we find a common ground together. Being afraid of making mistake is a terrible state. Is anyone perfect? Allow your spouse to enjoy being an adult: if things turn out sour, be supportive and move on together. It’s cool to have your spouse seek your opinion and not you trying to dominate or force your thought through.
•Independence Not Arrogance: People find it so difficult to draw a line between being independent and displaying arrogance. Being able to handle certain things without your spouse’s initiative will sure earn you some respect and help the relationship to be better. This spans from financial to social and a lot more. A wife/husband who is fond of driving the car but never buying fuel is inviting insult from the spouse except it has been clearly stated that one person should handle this aspect of the home. But if not, some day, he/she will remind you that the car you are about to take out has an empty tank. You’ll definitely not like that but you caused it; isn’t it? Having some level of independence will sure reduce pressure on your spouse. Some people have found themselves shuttling between two jobs or taking a night shift not because they enjoy it but the desire to maintain their respect is important. It’s good for your spouse to know that you can look after yourself and earn a living. I always ask “What if you were not married, won’t you survive”? Don’t be a burden to anyone; if your present situation does not permit you going out to work, look closely and you’ll find something you can do from home till the situation improves.
•Care For Others: I’m always afraid when people say my spouse is my best friend and everything to me; I have no other friend in the world and do not need any at all. What a burden to put on one person! Please love your spouse; don’t get me wrong but allocate some time to relate with others so you can have a balanced life. It’s difficult for you to convince me that someone who does not give a hoot about others can be an awesome lover. It’s a matter of time before he/she starts to treat you like a piece of trash; just like others. The more you show care for others, the more fulfilled you become and be willing to share that sweetness with your spouse. Caring for others also gives you a reason to be alive and active.
…CONTINUES NEXT WEEK!!!