13th December, 2013
I mentioned briefly during the last discuss that giving compliment might just do the magic in your relationship- who knows; your spouse would have been dying for ages to hear someone say something nice about them and this time coming from the one they really love and share intimacy puts sparks into the soul. Come to think of it: why would people refuse to say how much they love each other or what they feel or see in their love?
Compliment would most likely come from people who are happy, fulfilled or confident enough to admit others are good; at least in some areas. A person who does not believe he/she looks good will find it difficult to tell others they look amazing- reason being that they are afraid to be second place but when a man/woman is sure of himself/herself and understands that we are all different in life with different destinies which condition our persons, there would be no need to try being like the other person.
When Clara, a young woman as I chose to call her was asked why she was having an affair with her junior colleague at work, she stood speechless for long and finally ran off to the rest room and wept her heart dry. As the investigations progressed, the guy in question had to be brought around for questioning and when her friends saw him they marvelled that she could condescend so low to mingle with his class. She knew the guy could not match her gorgeous husband in any way yet she found solace in his love.
She said “Apart from the fact that I was brought up by a beautiful mum who loved to look right at all times, I’ve also grown up to appreciate my body. I spend quality time to shop and dress in lovely clothes. My mum was a typical American mum who thought it was okay to be big as long as you looked beautiful and stylish but I consciously moved away from that thinking and appearance although with a lot of self discipline, hard work at the gym and medical support. I’ll go for days with little or no food just to make sure my weight stays under control, taking long walks even in cold and foggy winter evenings, buying equipments and supplements to boost my health, etc.
At first I thought ‘never mind; my hubby will be exited when he sees the result, he does not want to comment at the start of my effort’ but things stayed same till I lost all my post natal weight and moved on to how I was before he married me. Still no comment; not even a single blink. Keeping two jobs as a nurse has been quite demanding and sometimes draining but I carry on as if it wasn’t a big deal hoping some day my husband will look back and comment on how I’ve been a supportive wife and mum but it hasn’t happened.
I stopped and ask ‘Is there something other women do that I’ve not done right? Are there other things to be done before I can be appreciated? I’m I just unlucky to be with a man who takes me for granted and feel everything I do is his right? Gosh! This makes me want to throw up at the thought of how I’m being treated.
The guy at my work place was not a planned affair; he crept into my heart by giving me so much attention. He never even officially asked me out as a man but we got into each other by deep feelings. He’ll notice every bit of what I do, my moods, looks, effort, intelligence, carriage, etc. Needless to say he gave me what I’ve been searching and yearning for all my life- I know it was wrong.
I do love my husband sincerely and would have loved to wrap my life around him alone but hey! He’s refused to fill the gap in my life”.
I did tell Clara that the fact that you are not getting certain things in your relationship is not an excuse to misbehave. You need to learn how to persevere and give some time coated with ‘patience’ and be positive till things get better in your favour. I know it’s easier said than done and the time of patience can sometimes be over stretched. If you consider this as part of life’s trial, it might be easier for you to accommodate; there is always a time of testing your belief in any relationship. Having extramarital affair is not a lasting solution to a troubled union.
On the other hand men also need compliments to move ahead. It’s not only a woman’s cry. Telling a man you respect his sense of judgment or letting him know how much you trust his decisions can make him go extra miles for you. If you do not tell him he looks good or acknowledge his kind gestures; other people who do so might still his heart easily.
Honestly, complimenting each other is like building a high wall to fortify your relationship. No one can outgrow this need; we all need to be told what we do well —it’s a positive drive to success.
It may help to consider a few reasons people might be stingy with compliments;
- Insecurity: You need to be a secure fellow to be able to dish out praises on others. An average person feels life is a competition he/she must win by pushing others off the tract. Oh no! You don’t need to.
- Self: Call it pride or any other name. Proud people only want their names heard, achievement sung, pictures seen and the search light should always point at them. No other person should be acknowledged.
- Ignorance: It’s amazing to see couples fight against each other. Are they not one anymore? If you are one, why the fight?
- Assumption: Don’t assume your spouse knows that you love them; please say it to them as often as you can. Don’t tell them ‘you already know I appreciate you’, say it over and again.
- Lazy or shy: I’m not sure which one is applicable but conquer all to express your feelings to your sweetheart.
When your spouse finds fulfilment in your love, the relationship can only get better and stronger.