3rd February, 2014
The word relationship is gaining popularity with each passing moment of the day, as almost everyone, including children, has something to say about either a relationship he/she would have experienced or heard about somewhere.
This sincerely is fine by me, but the nagging question is, ‘how many people really know what relationship is all about?’
For me, to borrow the adjective, GOOD to qualify a ‘relationship,’ automatically suggests there could equally be a ‘BAD’ one. But what classifies a relationship as good or bad, we’ll get to know in the process of this discussion.
The truth is that no one ever prays for something bad to befall him/her, but surprisingly, very few are ready to work for their dream (good relationships). Things don’t just happen, people make them happen.
Nancy, my university room mate and good friend of mine, got engaged to be married to Segun, a visiting lecturer, who only came to campus on weekends, while we were still students. Keeping a close watch on the relationship gave me a clue that something was wrong with it. I accosted my friend but she naturally started to tell people I was jealous of her and the fact that she was getting married before me.
Shocked, I must confess to you, I decided to steer clear of their dealings, that just strained our relationship a bit.
In a few months, I was sleeping in the room after a hard day’s lecture and I heard a whisper, “Aidy girl, please I want to talk to you.” Even though I recognised the voice, I couldn’t help giving her a little show off by saying, “yes who is it?” But eventually, I got up. Seeing the stream of tears down her cheeks, I didn’t need a prophet to tell me that there was fire on the mountain. She finally gathered herself, sighed and muttered, “Segun… I’m tired of Segun. This guy is showing me real hell.” I adjusted to hear more, but I suddenly realised that was not the time for revenge, she needed a shoulder to cry on and I was a suitable one for her. So, I encouraged her to pour her heart and she continued.
“Do you know that Segun and I have been having serious problems? I have to cope as a woman but arrows still point to the negative direction. Segun just collected his salary and I asked him how much he earns at the end of every month. Immediately, he gave me a careful look from head to toe, followed by an outpour of abusive words: ‘Why on earth would you want to know how much I earn? Don’t you have hands to work for money as well? Or am I the one to foot all your bills? Any way, let me tell you, I decide what to do with my money and if you came here with a long shopping list, you have failed today and for ever.’ Once I heard these heavy words, I made up my mind to call it off, after all, I’ve had enough.”
After being such a patient listener, I decided to say something to her. From what I gathered, I told her Segun could not accommodate the fact that she was not bringing any financial contribution to the relationship. He also didn’t trust her sense of management, purchasing and choice and was, in a way, having a communication problem with her as well.
There’s no relationship of this description that can be called good. Nancy was lucky to have escaped before it was too late, but you can even save yourself the heart break by testing the relationship before committing your emotions.
Love that is not tested cannot be totally trusted. Most people do not know that no matter how rosy a relationship may seem at the beginning, somewhere along the line, there would definitely be issues that will crop up just to reveal the heart and intentions of the people involved. In order to know the true status of your relationship, dare to put it through a test and come with me to this test room and answer for yourself where you really are.
These three powerful words form the basic foundation on which a good relationship should be established.
This involves a satisfactory agreement or arrangement between two people of different opinions. I always take pains to explain to people that you don’t need to reason alike for a relationship to succeed. But if there’s no agreement, there’s no relationship. No two persons are the same, instead of thinking you can act and react the same way, fashion out how you can get along despite your differences (unity in diversity). If you like the same things, talk the same way, etc., there’s likely to be boredom around there. Laughter is healthy for a relationship, but people don’t laugh at familiar or regular things, so you need to amuse them with your spectacular approach to issues.
In any relationship, there are quite a number of things to cope with: character, family background, educational background, style and values, etc.
Your character is simply the description people would give to you. Certain characters may not really be bad, but at the same time, we may feel uncomfortable with them. We should relate with others in understanding, knowing full well no one is perfect. There’s a saying that a man who is determined to succeed finds a thousand ways, while a man who is failing finds a thousand excuses. You can devise the best way to understand and accommodate your spouse. Every person responds to love. The more love you show, the more accommodating person you’ll be and the sweeter the relationship. When you accommodate and tolerate others, you are simply telling the world that you too can make mistakes. And it will be easier for people to get along and feel safe around you.
Have you ever seen a relationship where people are so conscious of what their spouse would do to them if they make mistakes? There’s definitely a problem with that union. Relationship should not be a prison yard, but a place where love is given a fair chance to thrive.
Each person’s family background has a way of reflecting in the relationship. This is simply because of the way we were raised from childhood and the circumstances surrounding our developmental years. The best you can do is find a way to help the fellow rather than drive it in all the time that he/she has a problem. It is basically observed that children from broken homes find it a lot more difficult to give genuine love which they never got. In most cases, separation or divorce is the only solution to their challenges.
If sincerely you know education is not a determining factor of who to be your spouse, then go ahead and choose whoever appeals to you, despite qualifications.
But bear it in mind that once you have made the choice, issues of certificates and academic qualifications should be kept afar. You can parade your CV for employment and not before your spouse. Also bear in mind that a fellow’s educational standard goes a long way to shape his/her behaviour, carriage and choice. Please, look before you leap.
Another word for believe is TRUST. One of the signs that you are ready to stay in a relationship is your ability to believe the confession of your partner. Sometimes, it is really very difficult because he/she seems to be saying things contrary to what you know or would have heard from other people. From personal experience, I will confess that trust saves you a lot of heart ache, but the truth is that trust is not bought, it is earned and it develops over a period of time. The things your partner does will go a long way to determine how soon he/she could win your trust.
It is very difficult for you to believe a man who has lied to you several times. Create an atmosphere of trust and live a good live. One question I ask people is, how far can you follow an adult? You cannot even take decisions for him/her. So, why don’t you just let sleeping dogs lie?
A woman somewhere in Aba used to tell her husband how much money he should be sending to his parents. The man felt the amount was too little but each time he raised the issue, his dear wife would display her selfish tendencies and the man would withdraw. After a long time, he decided to be sending the money without her knowledge. Now, you can be sure he was sending far more than she could imagine. You see? All she needed was to trust the man’s sense of expenditure and let him be. If you give reasons for your partner to deceive you, he/she could be so clever at it to your own detriment.
•C-Communicate: There’s a Danish proverb which says many have good cards in their hands if only they knew how to play them. Communication is one of those good cards given to man by God Himself, but unfortunately, many still don’t understand the strength of this powerful weapon.
Your mouth is the door way to your heart. It is only through communication that you can express your desire to your friend. Each time I talk about communication, people’s minds just fly to the basic languages they speak verbally, no, it should be more than that. Every relationship should have its own unique way of communication, after all, there are different kinds of communications—verbal, nonverbal, body language, signs, etc.
The most important thing is choosing the one that best fits your situation.
When there is good communication in a relationship, third parties hardly find ways of penetrating to cause havoc. It is natural for people who find themselves in love to do everything possible under the sun, just to create the impression that they are/were saints.
Walls do have ears, you know? Hiding your bad past from your partner can only cause you more harm than good. If he/she eventually gets to know from others what you have been concealing, it may be the beginning of problems.
Sometimes this year, I was writing late into the night and suddenly, my phone rang. I had no intention of responding, but the caller just refused to hang up, “hello,” I whispered and an angry masculine voice thundered through. At first, I thought it was a case of misplaced aggression on me, but as I listened, it was simply an outpour of hurt. The man roared, “can you imagine my wife of three years? I never thought she could deceive me this much. We’ve been married for the past three years, children have not started coming and I never put pressure on her for once, but I try my best to support her emotionally and remain a loving husband. Initially, I thought of stopping her from work, but when I considered her emotional state, it was better for her to go out there and interact with people on a daily basis. But surprisingly, I can’t say what my wife was doing with her money and I never asked because I didn’t need it. There came this fateful day that blew her secret open. My wife was cooking in the kitchen and a text message entered her phone. Normally, I don’t check her phones, but I don’t know what came over me that day. Lo and behold, there was a message addressing her as mummy, thanking her for love and care and then asking for more money to take to the boarding house as usual.
“To say I was shocked will be an understatement but all the same, I confronted her. In fact, I would have asked her to leave my house since she couldn’t open up to me, but sincerely, I have come a long way with her.” After the whole story, I advised him, but what I couldn’t understand was that why a woman would not talk to her husband on such a delicate matter? All the same, I’m happy that God helped them to sort it out and they are still together, but you may not be as lucky, so don’t even tempt yourself.
Love Quote: Love is like horse ridding, it totally depends on the skills of the rider.