Emotional Support

It is a good thing to be in love and a better experience to have a shoulder to cry on when need be. Come to think of it, the day you smiled and whispered ‘I love you’ to mark the beginning of that relationship, did you conceive in your heart there will be times to also comfort your partner?

Okay, maybe you thought it will be ‘living happily ever after,’ but aren’t you disappointed and even surprised to see that life does not work the way you see in movies? Wake up, face the reality as relationship has ups and downs.

Are you wondering why I decided to handle this issue today? Oh yes, I have to, things happening around have pointed to me lovers are battered because they are not getting what relationship should offer. Are you giving or getting enough attention from your love? Ride with me today as I unfold how you could be a better lover and/or get the best from it.

A clear assessment of emotional support reveals how your loved ones assist you in dealing with the emotions you experience as a result of challenges. I am sure the picture is getting clearer now. Is there anyone who has not experienced difficult times? I will share a few experience with you just to buttress the necessity of showing love and understanding when the other person is down.

There is no doubt that we are basically considering how lovers could be ‘there for each other,’ but let me quickly mention at this juncture, that parents, siblings, friends (not lovers), neighbours, colleagues and even enemies, may need and really appreciate our support in low moments.

A personal experience that readily comes to mind was after I had my last baby. This birth was special in a way because the baby came after I had lost my mother. Ordinarily, mothers love to be around to support in times like this and my mother was just good at it, but this time around, life had something different to offer—loneliness.

You know in Africa, Nigeria in particular, we have a communal culture where people care for each other, especially relatives, but I was far away abroad where nobody has time for you. Everyone wants to make as much money as practicable, even to the point of keeping two, three jobs. Now tell me, are these the kind of people you should rely on for help or support? Oh no! I am sure with the picture I have painted, you would now have a glimpse of how I felt when I returned from hospital with my baby and met Debra my friend, waiting to receive me with a bowl of African fresh fish pepper soup, beef pepper soup and some other things useful for quick recovery.

The food was nice but her company was sweeter, because if she had dropped the food and walked away, I probably would not had eaten, but the fact that she stayed to chat me up meant the world to me. The gap of a mummy/sister I would have felt was nicely bridged and my loving husband took over from there. That was from the perspective of a friend trying to be there for me, but as I earlier noted, there are several other ways you could give or receive emotional support and the bottom line is finding someone to share your burden in a way you will appreciate.

Finding emotional support is having a shoulder to cry on.

Eka and Emmanuel, a couple I knew in Lagos, were married for about ten years but had no children. As usual, they did everything within their power to change the situation, but all to no avail. Her mother in-law who appeared to be understanding at first suddenly lost her patience and turned a tigress, wanting her out of her son’s home at all cost, but Emmanuel, a firm and loving husband, was ready to do everything to support the wife.

Yes, he knew she had a problem as doctors say her womb had an abnormal shape instead of the avocado shape common to women and known by medical science. Her cervix was also diagnosed to be too soft to carry a pregnancy through. Although they both had good jobs, lived in a posh neighbourhood and could boast of the good things of life, happiness was a far cry.

After a couple’s seminar I held, she requested to speak with me and I couldn’t but sympathise with her plight. As I sat listening to her, I sincerely wondered what I had to tell her that would be different from the lot she had heard. I knew I had to say something all the same since that was what she expected, but I was not convinced it would help.

Surprised at the look on her face, I was encouraged to say more as she seemed receptive, nodding in agreement to every point I raised. To say the least, her emotional state was bad, the thought of failure and self pity had completely eaten her up. She said: “Can you imagine how I feel? My husband’s siblings have their own children and he is older than they are all, yet he is not called a “daddy.” I still remember the day my mother in-law walked into my home and told my husband to be paying his brothers’ children school fees since his wife was barren. That day, I cried my heart out and was unable to go to the office for one weak.

The problem, to me, had long been past how I felt Emmanuel was being ridiculed in his family. To my greatest surprise, the more he was mocked, the closer he drew to me, telling me it was not my fault. He did so much to keep me going and hated to see me in a mournful mood. I asked myself, if my husband was not there for me, what would have happened? I can’t guess, but thank God, I have a supportive man. My husband would stay awake to console me at night when I get overwhelmed and never made me feel there was something wrong in the marriage. Does this mean he did not want his own children? No, he was being supportive and accepting the fact that we are in it together. I have grown to be so close and loyal to him as he means the world to me.”

Considering the humiliation his wife was going through, Emmanuel decided to leave his job in Lagos and relocated with her to America. Today, they are happily settled with two lovely kids—a boy and girl. Don’t ask me how it happened but I know she gave birth to them because I saw her pregnant and lying down helpless on hospital bed. Things could change only if you show more love and support.

Things To Note

You can identify someone who needs emotional support when the fellow is:

• Looking moody

• Difficult to laugh with

• Always withdrawn and sad

• Easily irritated (this depends on personality. Most people can cope without being irritated)

• Indulges in self pity

• Demands attention at all cost

A Word For You

When your spouse is feeling down or challenged by circumstances in life, he/she does not need your teaching or preaching, what is required is your sympathy/empathy. Even when there is a terrible mistake on ground, stand by each other. Remember every other person is/should be a third party. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should support evil but putting yourself in the shoes of your partner, finding solution to problems together will definitely bring you closer.

Be good to each other!