Healthy Relationships (2)



We spent ample time looking at how we could make relationships better/healthier in the previous edition but today I feel strongly that there is need to explore what are the possible causes of unhealthy relationships. This could also be referred to as ‘HINDRANCES TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS’.

If it is possible to have healthy relations and we sometimes can’t be proud enough to say we have one it therefore implies that there are clear or remote causes of this downside. This could also refer to things that make your relationships not “too sweet or good”. So many people pretend all is well with them while in the real sense of it: there is ‘fire on the mountain’. No one is asking you to ‘wash your dirty linen’ outside. It’s good to protect your relationship but no amount of protection will change things much if the right steps are not being taken.

Knowledge is a good start point. You need to know what exactly is wrong with your situation, how to get help and how to apply it to suit your peculiar need. The more knowledgeable you are of your challenges, the easier it will be for you to succeed. A whole lot of folks have been complaining about their relationships but just a few have sat down to ask why things are not working out right. In any situation where things are bad, people naturally would move to blaming someone who they think failed to do something that would have been done at a particular time. Unfortunately, this ‘blame syndrome’ is present at the office, with business partners, children, parents, spouses and all.

Sometimes it’s amazing how someone sits at a failure corner pointing accusing fingers on another person who they think is the architect of their misfortune. If your parents didn’t train you to become who you dreamt of being; now that you are grown and have your own money, mind, will and decision why can’t you do something to actualise your dream? Your big brother plays music all day and won’t let you concentrate and study your books; why not change plans and read in the library, come home later or better still, read at night when the ‘music boy’ would have been exhausted and gone to snore. As a matter of fact, man is wired to provide solution to problems and the more you are willing, the more the solutions you’ll realise. One of the quotes that has helped me a lot is “when there is a will, there is always a way” and “when you look closely; you’ll see a way out”.

A lot of people have come to the conclusion that these are some of the hindrances to healthy relationships.

Pride: Not only to say that “pride goes before a fall” but also goes before destruction. Where there is pride, there will be lots of problems. In a relationship, there should not be any sense of superiority if happiness is part of your agenda. The more you humble yourself and respect your spouse, the closer you would be moving toward success.

Selfishness: It’s a subtle weapon against success in relationships. Sometimes people don’t realise they are being selfish but the one at the receiving end can tell exactly how painful it is. A selfish spouse will ride on a weakness and deprive you of every bit of what would have been yours. There is strong desire to begin and end every conversation/argument, control money, regulate time for everything, choose friends for you, do shopping alone, take all major decisions, etc. They desire to have first consideration in everything and life should as a matter of principle revolve around them.

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Immaturity: When I look back on the things that caused quarrels in our relationship years ago; I cannot stop laughing. The things that made him mad and the things that made me cry were absolutely funny -lol. I can say this now because we have seen life in a different light and have grown to love and trust each other immensely but when you are just trying to figure out ‘this man or woman’ that you have decided to settle down with; everything makes you ask “Did I make the right choice”? Of course! Give yourself a little time and the answer to that question will stare you in the face- good luck. Maturity sometimes come with age, experience and exposure but there is also a minimum level that is expected of any adult who has decided to commit to a long term union. You need to understand that life as a single person is quite different from when you have said “I do” to someone. Now you’ll need to not only accept, honour, love, appreciate, respect and be good to your spouse but also to his/her entire family- great! Isn’t it? That’s why you need to be a bit more accommodating than before. Immature people speak before they think and this often lands them in trouble too big to explain.

Peer pressure: The problems of most relationships could come from friends. The type of friends you have, what they do, how they behave, etc has a massive influence on who you’ll turn out to be either instantly or subsequently. If you have friends who do not believe in ‘family’ and they keep feeding your mind with all sort of negative ideas; it won’t be long before you’ll start finding an escape route from your partner.

Greed: Both men and women can be very greedy. When people think life is better on the other side of life, they’re forced to stretch and see what pound can be cut for them. Your relationship might not be excellent today but if you keep your ‘big picture’ and work towards it, life might bring you sunshine. Be happy where you are and make the best of every opportunity. Don’t wish to be like others; you have no idea what they’re going through as well and trust me, they will never tell you the truth about their pains and regrets.

Poor communication: Talk, listen, respect the opinion of others.

Poverty: Yes, poverty can make your spouse to be hostile and resentful.

Family: I wouldn’t want to go there but I think it’s important to mention it briefly. Families inflict a lot of injuries on relationships. Please allow the two partners to bond and figure out how they want to run/manage their own family life- don’t interfere. Let them take their decision; that is why they’re adult. Please do not make life difficult for in-laws; love and accept them.