Family Challenges

By Aidy Thomas

There is really no point to sound as if we are just waking up to the realisation of the challenges faced by families- there have always been there but manifest in diverse ways according to the structure of each generation. During the hunter/gatherer phase, people had a different focus and interest from what we do today and that determined their challenges.

When people say “it was far better in our time” we tend to feel jealous and pity ourselves; wishing we were privileged enough to be part of the ‘good time’. Has there really been a totally good time in life? Was that time problem free? That is the point! Challenges are and should be seen as part of life and human existence.

The ability to handle challenges is what differentiates a successful person from a failure. One of the things that encourage me greatly in life is the thought that “other people have been through it”. It’s so soothing to know that whatever you are passing through is not strange at all. This does not stop it from hurting but it can help you to adopt a better attitude. The decision of how to deal with the situation, when and what to make out of it is left completely in your hands.

Mark and Simon living in the same neighbourhood finished from the same primary school near home but going into secondary meant a little bit of travel. They needed to walk across the road and take a bus to school. During winter, both boys would walk together and wait for a bus that would finally convey them to school- it was a busy area so most buses would have been filled up even before getting to their bus stop. This meant they had to leave home a lot earlier to cover up for any disappointment. In their second year, they were walking down to the bus stop as usual when Mark said to Simon “I don’t think I can continue with this school; coming out in the snow and waiting in the cold is just getting me angry”. Simon was shocked and answered “But we have always had snow in our country and others went to school during snow as well. Your big brother did it, my sister just graduated and our parents all work during snow. As a matter of fact, life continues during winter except when it is really difficult to move around”. Besides, Simon told Mark that instead of lamenting about the winter; he looks forward to summer. He knew winter was not going to last forever; it would soon give way to other seasons of the year.

Unfortunately, Mark dropped out because he felt he could not cope with the challenges of leaving the comfort of his home early in the morning while Simon continued, completed and moved on with his life. When Mark decided to leave school, would he not have other challenges in life anymore? Staying home could also come with the responsibility of caring for other members of the family- another hard work!

As part of the bigger picture, there is need to acknowledge that family challenges actually begins with the couple. Coming together with someone who is from a different background, values and experiences can be tricky. This makes ‘understanding’ top on the list. Being able to handle your differences will determine how well you’ll be able to manage the whole family and its additions.

As the family grows, its demands also increase….

Financial: Family needs money. The decision of who is going to be the major provider is left for the adults in this consenting union to make. Some follow the traditional way of man does it all; others believe there should be a midway where both share equally in expenses, another class cannot even be bothered who does what as long as the family is fine. Most relationships have split because of money issues: A spouse being extravagant can put pressure on the family purse and cause the other to react in an unfriendly manner especially if advice is neglected. On the other hand, stingy spouses who delight in depriving the family of basic care are calling for trouble. The availability and use of financial resources could go a long way to affect relationships.

Emotional: Charity, they say, begins at home. Your family should be the foundation of your emotional support. Generally, you are vulnerable to someone who meets your emotional need. Family members should take ample time to invest in each other and form a bond too strong for flimsy jokers to break. When a family member does not feel loved or accepted, a lot can go wrong including the attempt to find solace from a wrong source. Recently, I read a publication which interviewed couples to find out what kind of relationships they prefer or would like their spouse to adopt. One wife said she loves the ‘control type’. Here, the man leads and the woman simply follows. Her explanations were clear and for once, someone would be tempted to think if this was not the missing link in most modern relationships? Men are complaining that the women are not submissive but the truth is that some of them are not providing any leadership and when the woman steps in to salvage the situation; she is misconstrued and judged to be arrogant and proud.

Women need cover and men need love. A man feels very comfortable with a woman who abides by his rules. Does this explain why some men fall in love with their female secretaries? The fact that they do what they’re asked to do and in time could send an emotional message to a man that she’s obeying him out of love but that can be very wrong! She is doing her job.

For that emotional balance to exist, men should care for their spouses in a way they appreciate (people have ways they want to be loved; please find out how your spouse expects to receive love) and women should show unreserved love to their ‘prince’.

…Continues Next Week