18th November, 2014
Last time we looked at loving relationship within marriage, we came to the conclusion that opposite attracts then… opposite attacks, that it is with our unique differences that we can help support and strengthen each other, our differences seem to attract us to others more than our similarities, we tend to seek what is missing in ourselves to replace it with the assistance of our mate. We concluded that, in marriage we are to complete not to compete.
Last time we discovered that our lives is always mark by a search for our missing ‘other half’, but when we do find our other half, most of us set about the ironic and frustrating task of remaking that mate into an image of ourselves. Experience proves the effort is futile, without a blending of personalities, through efforts to communicate and understand each other, one mate’s personality will find expression at the expense of the other’s personality. At this point the question becomes ‘which of us will our relationship resemble?’ this is usually mark the beginning of the attack.
This is particularly odd, since we usually are initially attracted to someone who is different from ourselves because we enjoy the freshness of new and different personality style. Today we are looking at those personalities that attract and why they do. It is important to keep in mind our model of human behaviour a mental image of the model will help us. Remember that D’s and S’s are opposite, and I’s and C’s are opposite all other traits have at least one trait in common.
D/I – Task oriented and outgoing D
People oriented and outgoing I.
D/C – Task-oriented and out going D
Task oriented Reserved C
D/S- Truly opposite- little common ground
I/D – People oriented and outgoing I
Task-oriented and outgoing D
I/S- People oriented and Reserved S
People oriented and outgoing I
I/C Truly opposite, S/D truly Opposite and C/I truly opposite, as clearly shown the most opposites have no common ground, why then do they attract? D’s usually gravitate towards S’s because the D’s like to lead while S’s like to follow. S’s find D’s because S.s sometime fell insecure while D’s seem to radiate confidence.
I’s usually gravitate towards C’s because C’s know how to think things through systematically and logically, while I’s like spontaneous fun. C’s find I’s more amusing because C’s are more serious but are trying to lighten up and add a little fun to their lives. A “D” who is risk taking, driving, demanding can also be attracted to a C because of a cautious, calculating style. An ‘I’ who can influence and impress others can be attracted to an S because of a sweet, steady and stable style.
Of course, these are not only the opposite traits that exist, our unique combination allows us the ability to balance out, and when interacting with others problems arise when we focus on each other’s weaknesses rather than on each other’s strengths.
Help is available when you identify and understand your own unique personality style, when you recognize your strengths and grow in your weaknesses, you profit immensely. We must all leant to work with our-self, rather than work against our-self not understanding oneself makes you your own enemy hopefully these information will help us grow. Remember relationships are our greatest source of Joy and also our greatest source of Pain. Life is too short and relationships are too dear to miss. Today we will be looking at parenting our children according to how God has created them with their unique style. Since the start of our discussions we have treated every individual, individually. We have emphasized the need to respect the difference in our makeup, that is, how we are wired. We are different but not better, than one another. We have seen how understanding another person’s perception can create harmony and build trust. Relationship between Parent and children must of a necessity follow these principles as well.
The reality is that every home consists of several different people. Real families are like a handful of pebbles, each person is different and some are more different than the others. But that does not mean that they cannot all get along. Happy families happen when there’s respect for the uniqueness of each and every member of the family.
Too often we assume that what is ‘best’ means that our children should live their lives according to the scrip that has worked for us. Without realizing it, we try to create carbon copies of ourselves. A related problem is seen in the parent who doesn’t like certain aspects of his personality or behaviour. He does not want his children to experience the same failures he has, so if he notices that his children behave like he does, he tries to stamp out the behaviour. In either case we usually bend our children out of shape that God has instilled in them. Many problems of low self-esteem and low confidence stem from parents who failed to accept their children for who God had made them to be. As a counsellor too often I deal with issues related to cases like this. One day a 35year old walked in sobbing ‘why can’t my mum accept me for who I am? She sobs, whenever I’m with her she reminds me that I can’t cook like her, can’t keep the house neat like her ….. The list goes on. The lady had won an award as a volunteer and had proudly called her mum to share her joy but the mum will not listen she just snap at her and advise her to use her time for better things and stop craving recognition. This rejection of the mother started in her early childhood unresolved it has been carried into adult life.
The young lady is obviously a I personality who is outgoing and people oriented, while the mum is a S personality who is reserved and people oriented. The mother wants her to be like her and unconsciously has been communicating rejection to her daughter by not accepting her for who she is
Our children are like seeds placed in our hands by God. He does not tell us which kind of plant the seed will grow to become we are simply to cultivate them so that they grow up healthy and fruitful. As we know there are certain things every plant need to survive, water, sunlight, rich oil, carbon dioxide etc. when you provide these basics, before long those seeds begin to sprout. Soon you have each growing plant, with each passing day they begin to look different, soon they flower and begin the first buds of fruit, it is then you realize that you have been given mangoes, almonds and maybe grapes. Now you must begin cultivating those trees differently for they require different amount of water and fertilizer, you must prune them differently and care for them differently.
We give our children the same basic love, affirmation, meaningful touch, a feeling of belonging and significance, but as they grow older, you begin to notice what makes each child unique and special then you adjust your style of parenting to the needs of each child.
Understanding each child’s personality is only half the challenge, you must also learn how God has designed you. Knowing who you are and how you feel about yourself plays an important part in how you interact with your children. You need to become aware of how your style may complement or clash with your children’s style. For family blends and combination you can visit site. Next time we will look at parenting tips. See you at the top.
Modupe Eka is a consultant, trainer of the D.I.S.C model of human behavior, a graduate of English language, with teaching background, she is a Public speaker and by practice a counsellor and an expert in relationship and communication she runs seminars and workshop for cooperate and private institutions on topics as sexual health, parent/child relationship and cooperate/effective team building. She has organized and runs various youth empowerment programs. Together with her team they have done extensive work with many Redeemed Christian Church of God parishes within the Lagos environs.