11th May, 2015
By Aidy Thomas
People love to remember good times and wish they stayed for ever. This in other words shows that the human mind is wired to connect and relate to past experiences/encounters – we tend to replay past events, relationships success and even failure. When it comes to relationship, this becomes even harder to manage as people keep comparing past relationships with the present. In a way, you cannot blame them because what they once enjoyed is no way to be found. Take for instance the death of a loved one: I lost my mum as an adult after I got married and had children but up till today, I still miss her deeply and the memory of who she was to me comes every day- the kind of personal talk we shared, the inspiration drawn, comfort, words of wisdom and courage all gone. Now tell me, if there were to be another mum or Dad married another woman after then would I not be tempted to compare how she treats me with what mum used to do? Quite natural!! There is always something to remind you of the past whether good or bad.
We will therefore take some time to consider how our involvement in previous relationships can affect the present especially in marriage but before we get there, let me share Sam’s experience with you. “I met Betty during my undergraduate days. It was a long and unpredictable vacation which kept students wondering when things would be sorted for them to return to campus.
I was getting bored with each passing day and decided to leave where I lived with my parents to visit my elder brother who lived and worked in another part of the country. Leaving home was in no way the solution to my lonesome situation as my brother left me all day in search of daily bread. Thinking of how to keep myself busy, I ended up registering in a gym about 2 miles from home-this at least offered me a routine to look up to each day. Starting the gym was quite exciting; it was my first time ever to belong to an enclosed, well organized setting with fitness and health instructor.
All I knew on campus was run round the pitch as many times as practicable and count it for exercise but here it was real fun. There were different kinds of exercise machines with different functions fashioned to tone specific parts of the body and we were advised how long the body needed to use them. Good to know was the fact that once registered, you could stay at the gym as long as you wanted or even return in the evening without additional cost. There were also lots of other young chaps coming to exude energy but I was particularly attracted to this very reserved and beautiful babe. I tried to catch her attention but she seemed too focused on whatever she was doing.
The next day, I made up my mind to position myself close to wherever she would be and that too did not yield so much result but at least she noticed me. Finally, I decided to take a step and actually have a conversation with her and I was surprised that as quiet as she looked, she could be an engaging talker. We talked generally about school since I started by telling her my status as a student. We compared notes about interesting events on campus and academics as a whole. Now I wished the vacation lasted for ever because of my new found love- the night became too long as I could not wait to hop to the gym just to see my Betty.
With her permission, I resorted to late night phone calls to fill the gap till we met in the morning. I was very careful not to bring up issues of sex or deep emotional act as she seemed not interested in such things at all. This I must confess was not an easy bit for me because she really looked lovely and desirable.
The more I saw her, the stronger the temptation of holding her close to my chest then a thought came to me; you could make her yours forever, marry her. I wasn’t sure this’ a good option since we still had time to finish from school- what if another fast guy grasp her? Will I be able to live the rest of my life without her? I got really worried. When it was time to return to school, we parted painfully as she saw me off to where I boarded a bus back home.
Our relationship grew stronger after then and I made it part of my itinerary to visit her every month. The way she related with me gave me so much confidence she would be mine for live. Everyone who knew us concurred we were a good match but to my greatest shock, when it was finally time for us to settle down and I asked for her hand in marriage, she said “no, we were just friends I never thought of marrying you”. At first, I thought it was a big joke but when she stopped taking my calls and avoiding me when I visited I knew it was serious.
Without insulting me, she said we could not end up as man and wife. Painful though but I had to respect her sense of judgment. I looked for another woman and got married almost immediately. My marriage has been very rocky as I find this other woman not close to Betty in any way. I miss Betty; she was all I ever wanted in a woman. Now she is married with four children and I’m sure her husband is blessed to have her. The picture of our times together is still fresh in my mind. I’ve got pictures of love”.
It’s a pity Sam, I really feel for you in this situation because I know and have experienced what it takes to be in love. It’s a nice thing to be married to someone you truly love and respect but just in case it happens the other way round, I’ve got tips for you that can help improve your present relationship.
These tips would feature in our next edition.