29th September, 2020
>A satirical letter to fellow Nigerians
By Olaboludele Simoyan
Dear People of Goodwill,
I really don’t have time for pleasantries! So I will just get straight to the point!
You complain! You murmur! You gripe! You whine! You find fault! You criticize! You grumble a lot about Nigeria but you are no match for me! And that is why I have been winning!
Your goodness to Nigeria is so little that it is pitiful! Your goodness to Nigeria is so weak that it is pathetic! Your goodness to Nigeria is modest that it doesn’t even register on the gauge! And that is why I have been winning!
While you slept, I organized! I collaborated with like minds! I stayed up late into the night and early hours of the morning, studying, planning and strategizing! I am deliberate and purposeful about everything I do! And that is why I have been winning!
While you play around with ideas and concepts, I work hard day and night sowing seeds of evil and corruption into the land! I have sown seeds of confusion, chaos and crisis! I have sown these seeds intentionally because I am creating the future I desire to see in my “tomorrow” today! And that is why I have been winning!
While you spent hours, days, weeks, months, and years arguing and disagreeing about ways and means and about everything and anything, I ran circles around you getting my job done! I closed ranks with fellow evil, wicked, crooked, dishonest, unethical, shady, immoral, fraudulent and corrupt men (and women)!
I unite with them to take over strategic territories (industries and areas of influences) in the land! And we work strategically to take over more and more territory in the land! I try and make sure we all stay together in unity and agreement! And when we do have disagreements I settle them fast! I cannot afford for anything to slow me down! And that is why I have been winning!
While you scatter your energy playing the blame game, I am so focused! I am so focused I have no time for complaining! I am so focused that I am like a laser beam cutting through every obstacle that may stand in my way! I am so focused I eat, drink, breathe, smell, sleep, dream and think endlessly about how I can get the job done faster, better and quicker! I just get the job done no matter what it may cost me personally! I pay the price for what I want and for what I desire! I follow through to the very end, every time! That is why I get the job done! And that is why I have been winning!
So why am I writing you this letter? Because I want to mock you! I want to scorn you! I want to ridicule you! I want to make fun of your woeful, miserable and deplorable efforts at nation building! I want you to know that YES I am in charge! I want you to know that you are the constituent that is wrong with Nigeria! Meanwhile you try to blame me! You point accusing fingers at me condemning me for what is wrong with Nigeria but you just don’t get it! You really just don’t get it! It is so sad you just don’t! And that is why I have been winning!
You see, it is a fight for territory! Every day and in every way you and I are fighting for territory! You and I are fighting to take over the land! You and I are fighting for control! You and I are fighting for power! You and I are fighting for influence, daily! You and I are fighting to inhabit the land Nigeria! Fortunately, I do get it! And unfortunately you don’t get it!
For now I would say I have a greater sense of ownership over Nigeria than you do! And I intend to keep it that way for a very long time! I would also say I have a stronger sense of purpose and determination to take over and occupy the land! I permeate, infuse and saturate the land with my evil and corrupt deeds! I douse, drench and flood the society with mischief, trouble and chaos! At any point in time I am many steps way ahead of you! I work extremely hard to maintain the status quo! I always go the extra mile just to get the job done! And that is why I have been winning!
I am fulfilling purpose! I am working daily to achieve my life assignment! You need to understand that I am just doing exactly what I was born to do in the land, Nigeria, at a time such as this! And if I must say so myself, I am doing a pretty good job at it! And that is why I have been winning!
The questions I would like to ask you are “Are you doing what you were born to do for Nigeria? Are you doing a pretty ‘damn’ good job like me?”
Two simple questions to answer but I bet that you people of goodwill will spent hours, days, weeks, months and years over analyzing and dissecting these two simple questions that you won’t ever get round to answering the two simple questions I have presented to you! Talk less of even changing things! And even if you finally do answer the two simple questions you will most probably take little or no action! And that is why I have been winning!
While you make things unnecessary complicated, I always work hard at keeping things simple – very simple! I make things simple enough for the average person on the street to understand! I make my messages simple enough for it to take hold in the minds of masses! I make my communication simple enough for it to catch fire in the hearts of our people! You guys are just too intelligent for your own good! You are just too intellectual for anybody’s good! You are just too brilliant you talk above people’s heads! Your message is just way too complicated that the masses just switch off when you try and communicate your message! And that is why I have been winning!
Can you stop my winning sprees? I would say yes. However, that is if you would humble yourself and learn from me what I am doing right to get the job done! Is that going to happen? Your guess is as good as mine! Nonetheless, judging from past experience I doubt it cause like I said before, you will probably end up over analyzing, talking too much and taking little or no action! And that is why I have been winning!
Bottom line, your HUNGER to WIN has to be greater than my HUNGER to WIN! That is the only way you can beat me at this game and short of that I will just keep on winning!
Remember William Bernbach once said, “In this very real world, good doesn’t drive out evil. Evil doesn’t drive out good. But the energetic displaces the passive.” Think really hard about that and perhaps you will understand why I have been winning!
Many Hearty Cheers from us,
The Evil and Corrupt People of Nigeria
*Olaboludele Simoyan is the author of the two-in-one book with titles “THE 8TH WONDER of the world – Made in NIGERIA” and “THE 8TH WONDER of the world – Made in NAIGA
*This article was first published on 27 June 2014 in The Nation newspaper