Aidy Thmoas: Deal With Issues Not The Person (2)

Driving home the point that you can successfully deal with issues without destroying the person involved is evolving to an interesting conclusion. As a matter of fact, remembering the fact that most relationship problems do not just occur but are caused by people far and near would make you almost want to squeeze the culprit; but hey! is that what relationship is all about? If they were good enough for you to start with; you should do your best to keep love going or what do you think?

A helpful approach will be to face the fact that nobody is perfect in decisions and actions, or are you?

Surprisingly, some of the things which cause problems in relationships are so ‘tiny’ you would never believe the impact they create. Someone has to be careful here; learn not to joke about what upsets your partner as this may further aggravate the situation. You are not the one to tell them what kind of things should get them worked-up; they own their emotions and know how they feel at the time. Besides, the fact that we are different people also emphasises that what hurts one may not even attract the attention of another.

It is good to know that people’s reactions and attitude are tied to past experiences, fears, anxiety, feelings, failures, background and belief system. Do you know that as healthy as the world is presenting the consumption of fish over red meat, we have a family friend who will never want to try a fish dish no matter how well it’s prepared? One day, I decided to ask why he doesn’t eat fish and he said to me: “My stepmother made me hate fish; she used to give meat to her children and reserve fish for me. The fact that I had to wash the fish and get it ready for cooking pushed me further to detest it due to the smell. I looked forward to when I will leave home and be a man of my house where fish and its smell will be banished forever”. It is assumed that his stepmother was not very nice to him, so each time you offer him fish, he will first of all ‘see’ the horrible looks of his stepmother before considering or even remembering it was another person offering him the fish this time. You see how a person’s past, background and exposure can condition behaviour? This applies to different areas of life. Someone can come up with so much hatred for a red shirt; she doesn’t ever want her husband to wear a red shirt and if he insists, there comes trouble at home for the rest of that period. You might be wondering ‘what a terrible woman have I gotten myself involved with?’ Meanwhile, right behind that hatred is the fact that the man who raped her at a tender age wore a red shirt and any time she sees a man coming in red shirt; she only sees a wicked heartless animal who wants to abuse and take undue advantage of her.

As a matter of fact, there is a story behind every attitude your spouse puts up; some great, others small, but be aware that people are products of what they have been exposed to.

•A great start to dealing with issues in relationships could be your ability to respect the feelings of others, whatever they say hurts them should be treated with care. This might be so little for you but if they attach importance based on who they are, please be quick to apologise and settle for peace.

•Once you have established that there is genuine love between you; move ahead to treat every problem as an enemy of your blissful union. I will not be tired of sharing the experience of a great relationship coach who said: “I don’t remember when I had a quarrel with my wife”. Astonished; I asked ‘is that possible? I was not married then and knew very little of how to manage conflicts. The interesting thing about his confession was not the bit about not quarrelling but when he said he has chosen to see everything the wife does as an attempt to please him. With this in mind; it is easy to eat food with too much salt and still say ‘thank you’ to her because your mind has accepted that it was her zeal to please you that made her over-season the meal in the first place. Another husband with a different attitude would reject the food and curse the day.

•Surprisingly, there are issues you may never be able to resolve; they are called on-going problems. These are things you talk about almost every day but your partner seems to show no improvement. Sometimes you wonder if they are doing it purposely to hurt you but believe it I don’t have a clear answer because it has none.

•The nucleus of being able to deal with issues without destroying the person lies specifically in the choice of words: It is better to express the way you feel than say the way you were treated. “I feel really humiliated by your response to me when we went visiting friends” is better than saying “You really humiliated me when we went visiting”. Second statement puts your spouse in a position to argue, lie and manipulate you whereas the first is a simple expression of how you felt. By so doing, your spouse will not be accused of being insensitive or careless. When people feel you are blaming them, they show more negative tendencies but when you share your feelings, they’ll want to show some care.

•Talking openly about issues might work for some while being calm is the secret of other people’s success; the earlier you discover yours the sooner your relationship is likely to settle in; go all out for what suits you and have the best of times.

…This concludes the two-part article.