Real Intimacy 2

By Aidy Thomas

Our generation is a victim of influence of social media flooding the world on different platforms. When you are still grappling with the basics and foundational knowledge of one; another emerges with frippery clutches. As you make further adjustment to align with the push, more novel names and techniques zephyrs on your face- what a world!

We were still amazed at the havoc Hollywood and all the other “woods” around the world have caused. Counsellors, teachers, preachers, parents and government have a tough job on their hands trying to rescue the fallen system. Everyone is putting their bits and pieces together to see if they can form a whole picture which was once admired by all. Where did we actually miss it? How much damage has movie fantasy done you?

Fantasy was a common affiliate of children and young ones but psychologists have now proven that majority of adult problems stem from fantasy.  Yes, it might have accompanied them from childhood but there is little or no will- power or determination to overcome it when one should- drawing the line is almost a mirage.

A young wife watches a movie of a tall, rich and handsome man who lives in a palace with his lovely wife who gets all the good things of life; she does not need to work for a penny yet luxury is at her caprice. Right in the middle of that movie, her three months old baby wakes up and demands attention; when she is barely at settling her, the door bell rings with a hungry and tired husband staggering into the house. Her first response to the man might not be a warm, sweet and romantic smile to welcome him home. She quickly places him on a scale; side by side with the model man she just watched and definitely her hubby is found wanting! Her vigour to serve and show love faints. She becomes grumpy and snaps at every little opportunity. The innocent man suffers for the crime he did not commit.

When Martins was caught being violent with his wife, friends thought the lady was one of those nags; wagging tongue at will but a close fellow who knew his wife to be very gentle and respectful threw caution to the wind and decided to call the police to stop the daylight criminal before he would kill his wife of two years. As the policemen arrived in full force, Martins willingly gave himself up to be tried and jailed. Why? He growled “I married you an older woman because I saw other men who married ‘big babes’ having fun with their money. I imagined how lovely it would be for me to lounge around the home while you be my cash cow but here I am- having absolutely nothing to show for my decision; what a waste of space you are!” Would you ever believe that he was maltreating her because she went bankrupt? She was once buoyant but money, they say; has wings. Sometimes it flies to a far country when you needed it the most. It was now clear why Martins told his wife at the beginning of the relationship he did not want to have children. He lied to her about how much he loved her and wanted to spend the whole time with her without little creatures squeaking down their roof.

Fantasy can mislead and frustrate people who are not smart enough to realise we live in a real world where you would not always meet a Prince and live happily ever after. It’s possible to mix up intimacy with great sex, romance or love but the truth is that as important as all these may be in a relationship, real intimacy is found even in pivot of crisis.  It takes two to tango- they say; so your dream of intimacy can never be achieved alone: two hearts need to get together, agree, bond and decide to forge ahead against all odds of life.

Basking in each other’s love/romance is good and can be highly pleasurable but the purpose of intimacy far exceeds the exigencies of superlative emotional gratification. The expression of authentic support for a spouse in times of need is priced far above rubies. Having a sense of intimacy draws you to a bond where you are willing to give and give up things for the success of the other.

REAL INTIMACY MAY INCLUDE……

TRUST: You cannot get intimate with someone except you trust them. Your trust may not always be right; in most cases we trust the wrong people who are only around us for their selfish interest- but what can you do? Intimacy starts with trust and it’s also trust that would keep you on that path.

NEED: If you do not need each other, there would never be anything like intimacy. Your vulnerability creates opportunity for the relevance of your partner whether it is voiced or not- you are there because you need each other. Sometimes it seems so natural and mundane but the fact remains that ‘you are together because you’re needed’.

GIVING: The desire to give what you have and get what your loved one has for you makes life go round on a pleasant wheel.

SACRIFICE: Learning to delay your pleasure so your spouse can be part of your success story is what sacrifice is all about. Giving up something for the happiness/need or satisfaction of the other makes the cord grow stronger.

There is a saying that “people do not care how much you know until they know how much you care”. Every step you take in your relationship should make a statement of how much you care for your mate. Take one step at a time; you’ll finally get there.