Insecure Spouse

Insecurity is one enemy of love we seldom identify yet, its venom keeps people in perpetual torture and prison, never wanting to give a second chance to love.

The influence of insecurity is so strong that it spoils relationships, drives people to become grimy or vulnerable, causing more problems than necessary.

We may want to believe that feeling insecure is natural in a way and this happens in most cases when you do not know the person you are relating with so well, but if time reveals he or she is not a cheat or liar, things should settle pretty well in the right direction, giving love a chance to thrive.

The way you manage your emotion while trying to figure out the depth of your partner’s love goes a long way to protect your heart. Having said that, it has been proved that people who have serious insecurity challenges can still feel insecure even when shown tremendous love.

Ray came into Samantha’s life after she’s suffered two broken relationships; the last one was almost at the verge of consolidation when the guy suddenly told her she was not good enough for him.

Initially, she thought it was some kind of expensive joke ensuing from an argument but he gave no break as he continuously followed up with sarcastic and derogatory remarks.

When asked to surrender her own copy of the house keys, Samantha knew things have finally hit the rocks. She walked away, feeling really used and cheated, swearing never to take any man by his word when it comes to love matters. Time, they say, is a great healer although it took quite a while for her to reason with another man, there came Ray, a man with wild and deep feelings for her.

She was definitely difficult to convince at first to even give a try but the more she resisted, the more interest Ray showed in her. Looking into her mind, she decided to give him a chance after all, she’s been hurt before and if it happened again, will only increase the number of cheats she’s come across.

She sent a text message to Ray to come over to hers and help fix a problem with her computer (Ray is an engineer). He asked a couple of questions to have an idea of what could possibly be wrong with her system but her ignorance totally frustrated him.

“Never mind, he calmed her down on phone, I’ll come over and see what could be done. If it needs further attention, I’ll then take it to the office and deal with it but, for the mean time, I’ll drop my spare lap top for you to use till things get sorted,” he had assured and went with the mind of fixing her computer but she offered him a chance to fix her love as well. Although it came when least expected, the joy of getting a ‘yes’ overshadowed all the troubles of the past. The computer issue was suspended and plans for dinner took over. Things went pretty well at first, but Samantha did not take too long to display her cards.

She started suspecting every move Ray made or did not make when she expected one, checking out who called him and for what purpose, finding out where and with who he spent lunch time at work, getting angry he did not call her during the day to say ‘I love you’ and being really mad if he returned late from work.

Initially, Ray took it for love and that his woman wanted to always keep in touch with the one she loves, but when he heard the kind of language used, he was persuaded something dodgy. He was too afraid to ask her why she had such a terrible attitude towards him but again, felt he might be pushing a bit far, not when she has not said anything about her past.

The pains of the past, the circumstances and timing of the break-ups, left more scars than just the walking away of those guys. She made up her mind never to talk about this, but it didn’t help her in any way.

Ray, on his own part, was simply suffering for the offence he never committed: a clear case of transferred aggression.

Flowing from past experience, Samantha had already prepared to dump Ray at the slightest chance. She feared being left again to the cold hands of loneliness and luckily for her, Ray was genuine and patient enough to go through all the nagging, but she still didn’t seem to be satisfied with his assurance of love and finally discarded the relationship.

Insecure persons are usually the first to end relationships for fear of being left as ending the relationship makes them feel on top. A person feeling insecure feels there is something lacking or missing in his/her life and tries to fill that gap with validation.

When you do not act the way they expect, you get bullied, negative remarks about virtually everything you do, complaints and outright condemnation of your style and way of life. They are already at the bottom of feelings and would do anything to drag you down there, so when next you get a nasty comment from someone about your hairdo, clothes, size, complexion, etc., be smart enough to pick if the comment is genuine or borne out of insecurity. An insecure person feels you have no right to be happy and free without them being at the centre of it. They just love things to revolve around them.

Any time you feel insecure in your relationship, quickly remind yourself that life itself is full of uncertainty and don’t be too obsessed with the thought of being sure about his/her love. Live in the moment, don’t worry about what becomes of the relationship tomorrow, for this is the root of fear. Hope for the best but if it turns out the other way, learn to live with uncertainty as life continues.

There is no meaningful relationship that is always at its peak. Things don’t always work well all the time and trying to force your way brings more damage than joy. There will always be difficulties but focus on what is good and spare yourself the stress of fixing all.