4th October, 2013
Sitting on my rowing machine; doing a mild but useful exercise, I thought it wise to turn on the television just to support my will to meet my target time. Hmm… exercise and watching telly; can you really concentrate? I don’t know but one thing is sure: it works for me and keeps me on. It helps to stick to something you have interest in so even when you miss bits and pieces, you can still connect and make some sense out of the show.
I chose to go with a relationship show of Jeremy Kyle which tries to find out why relationships crack, fall and burn. Stopping between speeds to catch some breath gave me a little window to absorb what vanity can bring upon relationships.
My mind ran quickly over cases I have handled and many others I get to know from other sources. One thing was clear; accumulation of little pains here and there lead to a big break someday. Angry and disappointed faces left me thinking ‘have they ever been in love?’ You know how it is when you are wounded? You just want to let the whole thing out all at once. That was the case; everyone had so much to say both in self-defence and defeat of the other.
Words and sometimes physical attempts to tear down spouses are things no one would want to be part of but thank heavens for the ability to call them to order. When some start to cry, you’ll be confused and short of words but how is it your business to judge their decision?
My mind raced to a recent encounter in my neighbourhood where music went up really high on a Saturday morning. It was unusual because Saturday is a good time to unwind and catch up on missed workdays sleep.
Lounging has come to be accepted as part of weekend fun but that particular day, there was a massive breach of calmness. Terry (no real names used please) was doing everything possible to drown his wife’s screams. No one had ever heard them shout at each other neither did they give signs that things were not working out fine between them. Their two sons looked happy and well cared for. They were mostly seen either going in or out of the house with mum; they had a busy life style- from basket ball to swimming lessons, football practice to somewhere else; they just would have somewhere to go. Home time was probably remembered for resting or sleeping. Kids would love that isn’t it? But they had no idea their mom did all that to keep herself busy and possibly distracted from the hidden crisis of her coated marriage. She knew her husband had no time for her and decided to focus on her children as compensation.
There is a limit every person can go and when that limit is hit, it takes a higher power to bring peace. Was that the cause of the loud music that woke the ‘whole world’ up on that fateful Saturday? I wonder why no one called the Police to make an arrest. Noise pollution! That was what it came to. Nobody actually came out to confront but you could see most windows with raised laces and wondering eyes peeping to see what was happening outside. Finally, Doris, Terry’s wife was sighted with a few of her belongings bouncing off to enter the car. It was still unclear what the whole thing was about but when her husband ran after her in a bit to hinder her move; it was then evident a battle had ensued within the confines of their home.
“I can’t take it anymore” were the loudest words to pick from her sobbing. She confessed to a tough time since the begining of the relationship and it was time for her to scream for help. Violence, separation and divorce were all attractive routes to consider. Finally, she found help with a counsellor who helped her through the process. Getting on with her husband under a new understanding was exciting but the process of healing from the past was rather sluggish.
Facts about accumulated pain…
Destruction: No rational being would just want to wake up one morning and call it quits with his/her partner. The end of most relationships is a demonstration of hidden and unresolved conflicts. Humans die mostly as a result of pain. It can be physical, health related, emotional, spiritual or psychological. It will only be a matter of time before the world realises you have been suffering secretly for so long.
No matter how much you want to manage your pains, its effects would betray your effort. You can only pretend for so long but not for ever. If you are very mature and wise, focusing on positive things while working out solution for your troubled area may be a healing path. If you also choose forgiveness without much show, your heart may be at rest but leaving pains to wear on its own could mean slow death.
Deep hurt: A wounded heart is an angry one too. No matter how good natured you are, when people hurt you badly, life tilts a little to the rough side. Some take it out on innocent children, pets, or total strangers who have nothing to do with their misfortune.
Bitterness: When you feel you are not getting what you deserve in the union, there is temptation to become irritable. The very sight of him/her draws questions from your disappointed heart. Little things end up in quarrels and argument and moments of romance become history. How can a relationship survive like this?
Suggestions…
•Handle life with expectations that people can hurt you at any time: with or without knowing.
•Don’t place your heart on a cheap platform for hurt.
•Take charge of your happiness and decide not to let people toy with your feelings.
•Give a benefit of doubt that some things happen in error.
•Be positive in your relationships and expect to make it what you’ll like it to be.
•Hear properly before you apportion blames
•Don’t be too quick to quit.