12th October, 2012
Being exposed to the approach of Kevin Eikenberry about building or nurturing relationships has made a lot of issues become clearer.
Although most people think he plays around with words by trying to differentiate building from nurturing; I’ve realised that this could possibly be the cause of some problems wrecking lovers for ages.
This might sound like a little diversion but bear with me as it might beam some useful light on why you are struggling in that relationship.
We have all used ‘building relationships’ to portray the effort/commitment you put into making it work —this is fine. On the other hand, there are relationships which started by someone going out of the way to get the other involved.
In most cases, men feel fulfilled to be in this ‘chasing position’ because nature tells them hunting is the meaning of existence but when women swap and take the hunting role, does it always end well? I don’t know and would not want to say what I’m not sure of.
Statistics have shown that relationship birthed out of pressure or manipulation does not always last. Yes, someone has to make the first move but when the feelings don’t merge over time, it means; one person is driven by expected benefit or the fear of being single is making them desire or initiate a relationship to serve a hidden purpose other than true love and lifetime commitment.
Going into a relationship either by what you can get or for fear of being alone are both dangerous. Right in the heart of marriages are people who know for sure they would naturally not want to be with the persons they have chosen. Selfish reasons have made folks say ‘YES’ to relationships they know from the start does not have a future. Why would a guy push for a babe simply because she is a daughter of an MP, Senator, celebrity or business mogul? Are you marrying for names/status or your future together? A lady who looks at her biological clock and starts to draw guys close by all means most times ends up in wrong hands. You would have heard a thousand and one stories like that. If you are a nice person and someone is attracted to you and later decides to stay till death do you part; that’s okay but allowing desperation to drive you crazy is unwise.
Someone might say; “you don’t know how it is to be lonely”, “our society looks down on mature single girls”, “a guy is referred to being responsible if he is married” “life means nothing to me without a man”, “being married is a cover”, “I’m dying to get into my dream wedding dress and enjoy that special day”, “so much pressure from family and friends is driving me nuts”, etc. You might have dozens of excuses making you want to escape singlehood at all costs but have you considered how painful a bad relationship/marriage could be for both men and women? Actually, it’s worse than not ever being married at all. I’ve spoken to loads of people who wish they were never married. The heart ache of a bad relationship kills you faster than loneliness. It’s worse when people outside think you are enjoying that union while you are actually roasting in there. Sometimes for the sake of pride and privacy, you don’t want to tell them what you are going through. This, no matter how well you pretend, does not make the pains go away; it rather increases by the day.
Have you ever had the opportunity to speak to a man who followed physical beauty only to discover that she was totally empty inside? Oh no! He’ll hate the mere sight of her ‘overtly decorated posture’. Marriage is not only for looks; an intelligent, productive, virtuous, organised, supportive, complementing spouse would forever be cherished.
Love should be mutual; two people attracted to each other and committed to making it work achieve better results. You don’t need to force or manipulate love, just give it a chance to happen. If it does and you both now agree to walk together and share your lives, here are certain things that can help you nurture and strengthen your decision.
· Communication: The voice of someone you detest is a blast to your eardrum —you wish they were silent all day but when a loved one refuses to have a word with you, it’s a bother. I appreciate the fact that words are not the only way to communicate; body language, gestures and sometimes ‘false silence’ could be counted for communication. You know what I mean by ‘false silence’? When you suddenly lose your voice when he/she shows up —you are too overwhelmed to verbalise your feelings but this happens mostly at the early stage of the relationship and mature into long gaze as the relationship grows. All you are doing here is silently analysing how fortunate you have been to be associated with them.
When I was younger, I wondered why almost every relationship book or publication would have something to say about communication but now it is a lot clearer. If you want to know the value someone places on you, watch what and how they talk to you: deeper relationship —deeper communication, shallow relationship —shallow communication. Even in ordinary terms, there are persons you would not want to hear what you are discussing with others. Why? They are not at that level of closeness with you.
People can forget what you did to them over time but the words you spoke ten, twenty, thirty or more years ago can still be heard as fresh in the ears/heart of the receiver. The words you say to your spouse play back in them and go a long way to condition how they feel about the union. Matching actions with words puts an indelible seal on your value for love; be it negative or positive. If you tell your spouse you love them and your actions portray so, they’ll believe you quicker than just words and if you’ve ever told your love you hate them; everything you do will be measured to see if you are manifesting the hatred or taking it further.